matthearn.com

I have learned another lesson today: even zombies can suffer from tooth decay.

I had a dentist appointment scheduled back in September that got rained out. Before you ask, NO, my dentist doesn’t work outside, scraping at people’s teeth during breaks between horse-shoeing appointments. On the date in question, it rained all day, such that much of Newark flooded. My appointment was at 4:30; at 4:25, as I made yet another U-turn to avoid driving through running water three feet deep, I called to alert them that I would not be making the appointment, and would call back to reschedule. Fast forward 2 months to last week; I called and scheduled an appointment for Thursday afternoon.

The next morning, the dentist’s receptionist called to let me know my hygienist had called in sick, so could we reschedule? For 7am? The day before Thanksgiving? Argh. So I got up this morning at the ungodly hour of 6, scoured off a night’s worth of bed-bugs and armpit mung, and headed to North Wilmington for my semi-annual scraping.

Let me tell you people, the days of yanking teeth out with a pair of hot tongs are OVER! In the 8 months since my last appointment, they brought in all kinds of nifty new gizmos. Now instead of scraping your enamel off with a stainless-steel spike, they have this ultra-sonic water-pik doodad that can wear your choppers down to the nubs in half the time! They also developed a technique to test for periodontal disease in which they, get this, stick a metal object down between your tooth and gum and record how far it goes and whether or not it causes bleeding, which is sort of like testing someone’s skin resilience by carving at their arm with a steak knife and recording “whether or not it causes bleeding.” They jab you three times per tooth, and the experience is less than thrilling.

Another device they’ve developed is some kind of electronic doohickey that they can put on a tooth, and then it measures the electrical resistance across the tooth to determine how much decay may be inside it. Apparently in the past, determining exactly how much of a tooth was rotted out was mostly guesswork. Anyway, it’ll come in handy when I go back in a few weeks to have a cavity drilled out of my wisdom tooth. Assuming that is, I don’t decide to just pry the tooth out myself with my Leatherman and a meat thermometer.

There was a bit of good news: the periodontal disease test determined that my gums are hell of healthy, to which I respond, “Brush and floss twice (or thrice, if your dentist is a real hardcore mofo) a day, huh? Yeah, WHATEV. I’ll keep to my strict regimen of brushing once every two days whether I need it or not, and the only time that floss will go between my teeth is if I have a piece of rotting buffalo jerky stuck in my molars. So there.”

Tomorrow: THANKSGIVING! Probably no post from me. Friday I hope to unveil my new Christmas color scheme! I love xmas. STAY TUNED!