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An old dying woman stole my soul last night on the way to rehearsal.

I’m seriously serious. I think. I’m not sure. I have no soul.

I got in my truck (running late, as usual) and made the first left turn onto the main street in our development, just behind an ambulance running with its lights off. Which means one of two things: the customer is pretty much okay, but needs to get to the hospital for observation, or the customer is extremely UNokay, and needs to get to the hospital for dissection and cold storage.

Just as I pulled in line behind the ambulance, I saw the old woman inside, and then my headlights reflected right out of her eyes. At least, that’s what my logical part is trying to believe. In reality, I know that her eyes simply glowed with the power of Satan, and stole my soul straight out of my chest, rending my viscera and turning me into a 6 foot 3 inch zombie.

I’m telling you, it was hell of creepy.

So now I’m trying to figure out what this really means for my life. As a n00b zombie, I’m interested in gathering as much information about the undead lifestyle (what an amusing oxymoron that is!) as possible. Questions I have include:

1. Is this a permanent thing? Am I going to be wandering the earth with the other zombies long after humankind has perished in the final cataclysm?
   • If so, can I do cool stuff like get in fights with crazed crack addicts and never get injured? Or is it more like I can get injured, but I heal incredibly rapidly like the ghosty-razor-blade-wielding-dredlock’d dudes in Matrix 2?
2. Do I have to feast on human brains? Is any human flesh okay? I’ve never been a big fan of headcheese, but a good braised shoulder is very tasty.
3. Can I still eat of other animals? It won’t go over well at Thanksgiving dinner if I poo-poo the turkey and start gnawing on my uncle’s forearm.
4. What’s the story on reproduction? I imagine my chromosomal makeup is largely unchanged, so if I knock up HW, do we get a normal human baby? Or some kind of half human, half zombie creature that’s immortal except for the vulnerability of a STRONG allergy to dandelion pollen? Is Zombism a recessive trait, or dominant? I would assume dominant, but I ain’t no gene doctor guy.
5. What percentage of the night hours do I have to spend walking the streets of a major city, moaning about my hunger for the contents of folks’ crania? I need a solid 8 or 9 hours of sleep per night or I’m useless at work the next day. Keep in mind the nearest major city is Philadelphia, a solid 45 minutes away, so if I have to spend 3 hours per night doing my Zombic Thang, we’re really talking about the loss of almost 5 hours of sleep. I can’t be having that.
6. What exactly are my vulnerabilities? Do I need to avoid water (I hope not, I’ve drunk almost a bottle of it already this morning), or just Scotsmen with katanas? I really need to rent some films on the subject.

Anyway, I’m still getting used to this whole “walking dead” thing, so wish me luck, and if you can help answer any of my questions, I’d appreciate it. In exchange for your help, I will try to make sure that your brains are the last I eat.

First on the list: whoever invented “Elimidate.”