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Archive for May, 2007

May 31st, 2007 No comments
Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

May 25th, 2007 2 comments

Some late Friday links, because I just don’t have the energy left for extensive thought, and also ’cause there some shiznit y’all seriously need to see FOR REALS.

  • This is simultaneously the grossest and awesomest thing I’ve ever seen. Jeff The Giant Orange Cat wreaks havoc! NOTE: if you are in any way squeamish and/or vegan, I would avoid clicking, as you may well puke on your keyboard.
  • You may recall last week when I linked you to icanhascheezburger.com, the worlds most premieresty site for lolcats? I bring you: lolpresidents! (And for those of you who think this meme was old and busted 2 months ago, I say: suck it.)
  • I can’t remember if I linked to this last week and I’m way too lazy to check, so peep this: Passive-Aggressive Notes. I would do this kind of crap myself if I wasn’t such a wuss.
  • Are you a dork? Feeling like people are starting to think you might be turning cool, and want to blow them away with a project of such a dorky nature that they’ll stop bothering you and leave you to your “Magic: The Gathering” solitaire? Download these, print them out, cut, a little glue, and nobody will ever think of you as anything but a primo losoir! These, on the other hand, are the coolest thing since Sweet Baby Jesus invented glaciers.
  • This is totally normal. Lord knows, I feel the same way about this fellow and we haven’t even MET yet.
Categories: link day Tags:

May 23rd, 2007 1 comment

Yay! DelDOT (The Delaware Department O’ Transportation) is finally going to do something about the hellish I-95 traffic!

Wait…crap. They’re doing the wrong bloody thing! Boo!

Everybody agrees that traffic on I-95, particularly southbound in the afternoons, is ridiculous; apparently the bone of contention is what the actual cause is. DelDOT seems to be of the opinion that the problem is 95 itself not being wide enough, which would appear to be the obvious issue. However, what they are overlooking is the fact that where the worst of the backup on 95 occurs in a three mile stretch where 295 and 495 (souhtbound) rejoin the main interstate, and storied Route 1 exits. And as anyone who has recently driven through there during a high traffic situation, the number of cars decreases dramatically after you pass Route 1. What this says to me is that maybe, just maybe, you might eliminate some traffic on 95 if there was more than a single-lane exit for 1, which is of course the main artery to Middletown and points south, also known as the FASTEST FREAKING GROWING AREA IN THE STATE? Don’t you think maybe this warrants an improvement of that particular junction?

Don’t believe me? Try going north on Route 1 to 95 north some morning, around 8:15am. You can’t. I mean, eventually you’ll get through, but it’ll be closer to 9am before you’re actually on the interstate. Might it perhaps be time to upgrade this route to look more like the 495 exit, which features three lanes for traffic and even during the worst of the rush hour is never clogged up, except by idiots driving in the left lane? Perhaps!

But nay, the State has decided to just add a 5th lane to each side of 95, the biggest waste of money since Paris Hilton got her sex change. (I refuse to believe that she wasn’t once a dude. Her jaw is squarer than a ceramic floor tile and her boobs are smaller than mine.)

Argh.

May 16th, 2007 2 comments

o hai fren ha ha its link day lets all enjoy the links

  • First off, link to my own stuff: Some photos I took at the Ychromes concert last Friday. Some are good; some are not so good. None are hilarious, but they’re at least mostly pretty.
  • For those of you that love yourselves some lolcat (and if you don’t, you need to reevaluate your sense of humor, ’cause it is teh suxz), you need to visit I Can Has Cheezburger, the premier lolcat resource on the internets. My favorite: Snakecat has bited before!
  • Your dad, your mom, and your cat. (I shouldn’t joke; apparently the “woman” was mostly eaten by a tiger this week. Still…your mom.)
  • AAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
  • Getting divorced? Let these folks help.
  • Connected to the internets? Want to waste about 8 hours? Go here and browse through 70 years of newspaper photographs from the LA Times and LA Daily News. There’s lots of hippie beatings!

Woo!

Categories: link day Tags:

May 10th, 2007 3 comments

I have a problem. Namely, I have a TRULY GIGUNDOUS HEAD. Being a totally hep (hip) guy, I like to make sure that my hairstyle is up-to-date and super-duper stylish. This is hard when one’s cranium affects tides, for a variety of reasons. Number 1, any short haircut, which was the style from about 1995 to 2003, looks ridiculous on me because you can see my scalp, which leads most folks to comment “Holy crap, look how much skull that guy has!” It’s depressing and said. And number 2, long haircuts make me look like a goddamn hippie, because clothes aren’t made to fit my frame, and I hate to iron, so I end up dressed like a 1992 fat chick, all hiding my frame with baggy sweaters and loose jeans and with a mop of unkempt hair.

This is just NOT cutting the mustard, people.

So, I’ve made a study (I ran “fat head” through Google Image Search) to get a sense of what other nogginly-blessed folks are doing with their hair. The following is the result of that study.


Here we have Alan, who is getting in some early combover practice in case he starts to bald, which is pretty smart planning, when you think about it. It’s not something I’d wear out of my bathroom, but then I wouldn’t do a combover outside my bathroom. In fact, if I ever go bald, I’m going to spend the rest of my days lying in the tub, having HW bring me bon-bons and cognac.

I like to think Ray here went to his hairdresser and said, “Listen, I’m starting to develop a little lazy eye problem here, is there anything you can do to cover that up?” And the hairdresser replied, “Oh honey, if I can hide the fact that Mrs. Nelson lost an ear to a rabid Great Dane, this’ll be easier than finding love at Club Fist.”

And Ray slowly sat down in the chair, and Ray prayed.


This is Jimmy. He may or may not be French. Either way, he walked into the stylist hoping for “Gordon Gekko” and walked out with “Joe Dirt“. On the other hand, he’s wearing an argyle sock as a tie, so his style is clearly rather avant garde.

Remember when I mentioned I can’t wear my hair short? Yeah, this is why. Also, Paul here appears to be 80% jawbone. I can’t imagine how he talks, let alone chews.

Or perhaps he got jaw implants? Now THAT’s a solution to a self-esteem problem! Here I’ve been considering tasteful liposuction to eliminate the ENORMOUS MASS OF FLESH HANGING OFF MY RIBS and I could just be getting collagen injected into the sides of my face!


When in doubt: take it back to the 80s. I don’t know what kind of band this guy is in, but I GUARANTEE it could have opened for A Flock of Seagulls, or maybe Devo. I also guarantee that it never, ever, EVER ever ever, would have opened for Styx.

This guy is clearly at a Styx concert, meaning he’s wearing a band’s shirt to go see that band, which makes him That Guy, which we can all agree is a bad thing to be.


Yeah, I dunno. I guess it’s your dad, or something? Search me.

If you can pull it off, add a gold chain to the mix. A necklace can make all the difference between “mildly overweight guy” to “guy named Tony who could probably make you disappear with a minimum of fuss.”

Alvin here is totally rocking the “Boring Literature Professor” cut. I say rocking because, as it turns out, Alvin is the largest collector of antique nursemaid rocking chairs in all of Devonshire. He even has a stuffed one that he sleeps with!

Shaving cool designs into a close-cropped cut is a hip way to show your support for the local football or cricket club, or even give a shout out to a recently imprisoned/murdered homey. Or, as seen here, your favorite walrus down at the inner-city zoo!

I feel pretty, oh so pretty, I feel pretty, and witty, and HOLY COW AM I WHITE! I think a tanning bed would do more for Pat here than a haircut, so let’s just move on.

Oh, I’m sure that’s exactly what you want these people to believe. You know something, Bender? You ought to spend a little more time trying to do something with yourself and a little less time trying to impress people. You might be better off. All right, that’s it! I’m going to be right outside those doors. The next time I hafta come in here…I’m cracking skulls!

Did you think I’d leave out my African-American brothers? Of course not! That would be racist. This is Steve; he sports a classic black man’s cut, cropped tight around the ears, but without the careful trimming of the edges that indicates true sophistication. This haircut says: I’m not paying more than $15 for a haircut, and that $15 is COMING OUT OF YOUR ASS, BOY.

I know! It’s honestly just 8 hairs! I grew them all out, carefully curled them, and applied them around my face using approximately 3 pounds of spirit gum and enough hairspray to glue my entire head to the ceiling!

As far as I can tell, no, this is not Lou Diamond Phillips preparing to play Jaime Escalante in a prequel to Stand and Deliver. But I’ve been wrong in the past. Of particular interest here is the old “concealing the weak chin with a beard” trick, which has failed, as it always does. The joke’s on YOU, Lou!

If you really want to find a good hairstyle, look to professional athletes, right? Um…not so much. But you have to give this guy some serious props for trying to bring about some kind of dreadlocked Jheri curl.

Speaking of athletes, this fine fellow is Kevin Mench, a professional baseball player. He has what is widely regarded as the largest head in professional baseball, a size 8 (the same as mine!) noggin. He has the enviable sense to just cover it with hats and batting helmets as much as possible, and hope no one notices the fact that he doesn’t technically have a neck. Kevin also hails from Delaware, which basically means there’s something really nasty in our water.

I feel like I probably shouldn’t really burn this guy, since he’s, you know, the Archbishop of Canterbury and all, but come on, people, what better way to distract from the bald spot on the top of your head than by developing the most AWESOMELY OUTSTANDISHLY RIGHTEOUS pair of eyebrows EVER? If I didn’t know better, and I don’t, I’d think he was planning to grow them out so that he could comb them back over his head, totally putting the Combover Style Establishment out of business. I mean, who could compete with that?

Finally, we have what is probably the ideal big-head style; simply shave that crap off completely, and make sure there’s a pretty girl in all your pictures.
Categories: wtf Tags:

May 9th, 2007 No comments

The graphic atop this here page sure is grim, ain’t it? It’s been up since winter, and I intend to put something more spring/summery up ons, but sadly my time at home with the computer has been SEVERELY curtailed by the fact that my wife is working on some kind of paper, and hasn’t let the laptop out of her grasp for 3 weeks. (I suppose it’s also possible that she’s developed a life-altering addiction to Teh Pr0n, but I don’t think so.)

It’s kinda sad, really, ’cause I have like 8 tons of totally hott photos I took with my camera over the last few months, featuring flowers and trees and geese and whatnot, that would be hella rad up there, but sadly I have not been able to edit and upload and make the necessary template modifications. Which is sad, really. Totally sad.

What is also sad is that, despite not having posted in roughly 9 days, I don’t have much interesting to say. I thought I did; I had in fact written four or five paragraphs of something that I thought was totally AWESOME when it was rattling around in my head, which of course turned into absolute pap when neatly typed into El Computador. So, I beg your forgiveness. I’ll give you a hint: it described my boy Kyle as “the fastest human being I personally know.” So, you know, HILARIOUS stuff there.

The weekend was pretty busy; I helped my dad move a piano to my sister’s house AND some of my grandmother’s stuff OUT of hers before she moves to Florida, and managed to do it without exploding my spine. We saw “Chicago” at the New Candlelight Dinner Theatre (it’s New!), which was outstanding. We went to a birthday party for our friend John, who is Old (not New!). Sarah went to the beach for a fun overnight with friends, and Charles and I joined her on Sunday morning because I was singing an evensong in Lewes that afternoon; it was windy and cold and I about froze my nads off. BOO TO THAT. We did get Nicobolis, though. Can’t beat ’em!

I’ve been keeping up with my jogging, although I haven’t been SUPER good about it; I try and get out three times a week, but sometimes it’s just one or two. I’ve basically been eating everything in sight, justifying this by saying “Hey, I’m jogging like ALL THE TIME!” As a result, I’m getting fatter and fatter, so now I’m back to my “eating nothing but vegetables and small amounts of meat with no sugar” diet, along with drinking buttloads of water. Great times! Not really.

Wow, I’m sure typing up the hilarity today. I’ll try and do better later in the week, really I will.

Categories: dear diary, tmi, wtf Tags: