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Archive for November, 2006

November 30th, 2006 1 comment

Team Hearn (we’re Hearn-licious) hadn’t been down to the Outer Banks in a few years, so my parents decided that’s where they wanted to do Thanksgiving this year. In the off-season, beach-front homes rent for a song (specifically, “What About Love” by Heart), so my dad got us into some 6-bedroom, 6-bathroom monstrosity a few blocks from the sound.

It’s a six-hour drive, so luckily we have our comfy Honda Accord. Sadly, what we do NOT have is a massive SUV, which is what we need to bring along all of our stuff; the amount of material we have to take along on road trips has roughly DOUBLED since Charles arrived, between his stroller, diaper bag, car seat, toys, bouncy seat, food, spare diapers. At the same time, the space we have to store stuff has about halved, since we used to load up the back seat with crap that wouldn’t fit in the truck, and now we have to put him in there as well as leave one seat free in case one of us has to sit back there with him to keep him from screaming.

The solution: one of those rooftop cargo things, just to complete our transformation into suburban yuppie parents. Woo! But which one? I did a little research online and discovered that Thule, which makes popular bike racks, also makes roof cargo thingies, ranging from $300-600, which made me laugh so hard I chipped a tooth. Sears, on other hand, listed a model running about $120. So we headed to Sears, where they indeed sold what we needed, but had none in stock. The young clerk said, “We’ll have more on Wednesday!” Sadly, this was Friday the 17th, 2 days before we were leaving. He told us Pep Boys sold the same model under a different name, we should give them a try. I gave them a try, and lo and behold we had us an 18 cubic foot storage box for $99, plus an extree $9 for the Accord-specific hooks that hold it to the car. It was awesome. Assembly was a bit taxing, but in the end I basically added another trunk to the car, doubling our storage, and enabling us to take actual clothes and deodorant and stuff.

After church on Sunday we packed up and rolled south. It’s a six-hour drive, counting a few stops; I was assuming we’d have to stop roughly every hour and half to recharge Charles, change diapers, etc. Instead, he slept for about 2 hours until we stopped for lunch, and then slept again until we hit the Bay Bridge, at which time he started screaming, because once you’re on the Bay Bridge you can’t stop for anything short of a breakdown or the cops become angry with you. As soon as we got to a place we could stop, he went back to sleep.

It’s like dealing with a ridiculously intelligent miniature alien who doesn’t speak your language and likes to stand on your groin.

We arrived in record time, thanks to various road improvements through Virginia, and set about to the important task of eating and drinking everything we could get our grubby hands upon. I had, luckily, brought beer and cinnamon rolls.

I got up Monday morning and took a nice long bike ride. This was the only healthy thing I did for the remainder of the week. I compensated for it by going out with my father and spending roughly $180 on booze.

Tomorrow: the things we did with the booze.

Categories: dear diary Tags:

November 29th, 2006 2 comments

My buddy Rick and his girl own a coffee shop in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Out front of it, they have a big sign where they can put letters with specials and other information. Usually they just put a funny quote in there; recently they had one that read “COME IN FOR A FRESH CUP OF WHOOPA$$”. Anyway, Rick comes to me yesterday and says “Give me something funny to put on our board.” This is the result:

I cannot tell a lie: this makes me happy in my pants.

Oh, I can tell a lie: the vacation update will be tomorrow, not today. Ha ha! That picture is funnier anyway.

November 28th, 2006 No comments

Oh hi! Didn’t expect to see you here! Why would I? It’s not like I’ve published anything for 2 weeks, although to be seriously serious for a moment, I do feel very guilty about that, but I was working and then there was vacation and I don’t like to post while on vacation because I’m on FREAKIN’ VACATION man and it’s awesome.

Anyway. Forgive the previous post, I was sleep-deprived. At the time I was working in Philadelphia practicing what would happen if our data center asploded, which meant I got my normal 40 hour workweek completed in 3 days. On the plus side, I got to stay at the Crowne Plaza Hotel in Philadelphia, which is some kind of luxurious, although it has a few flaws:

  • My room leaked. It was raining like all mad craziness when I got there, and the windows were dripping; after a few hours, the carpet was soaked. It was gross. I could have moved my room, but I was really only using it as a place to come shower and catnap and store my crap.
  • The TV didn’t have any RCA inputs so I couldn’t connect my Playstation. (Just because I’m showering and catnapping doesn’t mean I can’t catch up on Grand Theft Auto, fools!)

So the hotel wasn’t so great, but I sort of rediscovered downtown Philadelphia. I hadn’t really spent any time there in something like 20 years; maybe it wasn’t so nice back then. I don’t really recall. It’s sure nice now. Office buildings, and professional folks, and WAY fewer scary toothless women waiting for busses! I felt safe enough to walk from my hotel to the worksite, even after dark. Of course, I wasn’t going anywhere without my enormous black knife, plus it would take a pretty serious mofo to mess with me; I might poop my pants, and what mugger wants to smell that?

Since I was working night shift, I was able to get lunch with Brian at John’s Roast Pork, which was delicious, and also met up with him on Wednesday because the Phantoms were having a daytime hockey game and he invited me to come watch. They lost. I’m not a good luck charm anymore, apparently.

We were done Wednesday night, so I got to spend Thursday and Friday hanging with The Beef, as we’ve taken to calling him. He’s heavy, has developed teeth, and is awfully grabby.

Tomorrow: Teh Vakashunzozrzx!

Categories: dear diary Tags:

November 15th, 2006 5 comments

Oh snap son it is TOTALLY 3:21am and I am working, doing work things at a work place. Technically my work is pretty much done, we’re just waiting for word that everything worked. Meanwhile, I’m putting up with my laptop keyboard, which is not so grood. The control key is not great, and also the O, U, and L keys have an annoying tendency to to type extra letters in strange ways, such that sentences often look like this:

I’m goiong to opoen the lletter, sir, lelt’s make sure to hide the childrens.

The backspace key is getting a heck of workout.

Anyway, I wanted to report two important things:

  1. My friend Rachel now has a blog, although she feels remorse and guilt about the whole thing. Nevertheless, you should read it, as it’s far more entertaining than anything you might read here. I post horrific camera-phone pictures of my hair, for Jebus’s Own Sake. What the hell is wrong with me.
  2. I have decided to start a new internet meme. It is entitled:

My Favorite Canadian

My favorite Canadian is Alex Trebek. Born to gay furtrappers in Jonquiere in 1765, he grew up learning the art of Indian negotiations. When one of his fathers was captured by the Algonquin tribe, he travelled by himself over the Mighty Mississipp’ to retrieve him, but found only the sweet ethnic love of a Cherokee medicine woman. She bore him 17 children before dying in a tragic balloon animal accident.

Alex found his true calling 180 years later on a Dutch variety show, hosting a segment entitled “Het Gevaar,” and occasionally smoking vast amounts of herbal seaweed and performing free appendectomies for Amsterdam’s large prostitute population. Eventually, he was invited to perform for the czarina in Prague during her tour of the Western Continent, and she saw fit to have him sentenced to death for referring to her as “That Wild Moscovite Skank.”

After the czarina was revealed to, indeed, be a pretty skanky ho, Alex’s sentence was commuted to 6 days cleaning the royal garderobe and occasionally shaving Royal Auntie Esmerelda’s neck.

By 1976, Alex Trebek was the most famous game-show host in the galaxy, and spent his evenings being serenaded by Pavarotti and fellated by Maria Callas. It was all downhill from there.

Who is YOUR Favorite Canadian?

Categories: wtf Tags:

November 9th, 2006 2 comments

I’m glad I got my hair cut this week. Otherwise my wife would stab me in the ear with her keys! Ha ha!

But seriously, she’s violent.

Anyway, through the magic of my new phone, I’ve taken some snaps, son. Here is the pre-cut hair (taken right after I got home from an opera performance, hence the sexy curls):

And here’s the sexy new do, having been cut and colored to the tune of a hundred smackeroos:

Whaddaya think? I’m totally gonna get ALL the chicks. By which I mean my wife. And really, I won’t get her either. But at least I’ll have intact eardrums.

Categories: artsy fartsy, dear diary Tags:

November 8th, 2006 1 comment

Two topics today: Politics (duh-UH), and Phillies baseball (Wha-UH?).

Topic one: looks like the Democrats are taking over the House, and possibly the Senate as well. I, for one, welcome our new Democrat blah blah blah. To be honest, I voted largely Democrat, and largely because I hate the Democratic Party slightly less than I hate the Republican Party. At the moment, anyway. This may be a cynical view, but I couldn’t be more thrilled (well, perhaps if the government shrank to about 1/10 of its current size, that would be more thrilling, but I do recognize reality on some level) to have a government set up to get absolutely nothing done for 2 years.

I find that the government that spends all its time fighting over stupid crap instead of legislating is the government that I like best.

On the other hand, having Nancy Pelosi as Speaker of the House is singularly terrifying. It’s like having the worst stage mother of all time directing a school play. Hopefully we won’t all go deaf. (She’s a screamer, I’m told.) Also on the other hand: apparently voters in a variety of states saw fit to enact bans on gay marriage. Good job, voters! Nothing like legalized discrimination. Really gets my hopes up that they might reenact Jim Crow.

Topic two: The Phightin’ Phils are apparently looking to land Alfonso Soriano, which is flat-out making me insane. Let’s look at the Phillies basic line-up:

  • First base: A guy may well hit 800 home runs before he retires.
  • Second base: The only guy who can be counted on to bat over .300 in any given year.
  • Third base: A rotating gaggle of defensive “specialists” who seem to bobble the ball when it counts.
  • Shortstop: A speedy defensive star who might hit .350 in a given month, and might hit .200. Who knows.
  • Outfield: An extremely washed up guy in left who’s probably leaving and a bunch of medium-hitting young guys.

Soriano’s natural position is 2nd base, but he’s been playing outfield for the Nationals all year, so the Phils are hoping to put him in left to replace Burrell, which is a pretty damn good move, except that good ol’ Alfonso nearly got himself suspended because he refused to play left field. Ah! A character guy! Great times. Meanwhile, here’s what the pitching staff looks like:

  • Three starters (Wolf, Myers, Lieber) who might combine for 50 wins next season; they might combine for 20. Who knows? It’s worth pointing out that Lieber is 347 years old. There are also 2 other starters, but they suck.
  • A bunch of middle relievers, none of whose names I can recall, none of whom seem to be able to hold a close lead. One of them is really tall, though.
  • A closer who is, like Lieber, 347 years old, and also like Lieber, a Yankees castoff. Great! The Phils have turned into the Yankees AAAA team, a position that had long been held by the Toronto Blue Jays.

While I admit that, from a fantasy perspective, Soriano is a HUGE player to sign, two things are important to note:

  1. The Phillies don’t need that much hitting. They need more CONSISTENT hitting, which I think they’ll start getting as their young players mature. They need pitching, and a lot of it. One quality closer could be enough, if the starters can stay healthy.
  2. Alfonso Soriano is a bit of a dick, and I don’t want him in the clubhouse doing dick things.

All I’m saying, is that I didn’t vote for the man, and you shouldn’t either. Wait, I got confused again. Oh well.

November 6th, 2006 No comments

Carmen is done! Finally! Not that I didn’t enjoy it, as I did, greatly, but holy Christmas Q. Patterson am I tired. I don’t know how professional touring folks do it. Of course, they don’t work 8 hour days dealing with customers and the like.

So I’m back to the regular grind, which means of course we’re freaking out because we’re baptizing Charles (well, the priest is, we’re mainly just there for the free holy water) on Sunday, having people over after that, plus a birthday party for half of Christendom as well, on Friday evening. So the house has to be respectable, which means I have to clean up some areas, like the kitchen and the downstairs living room.

Cleaning the kitchen requires me to put everything way, which means I need to finish and mount the shelves I’m building so that I have space for all my crap. Cleaning the living room requires the carpet to be cleansed, so we’ve got a crew coming tomorrow to handle that, and they’ll move the furniture, but they won’t move any little crap, so we’ve got to basically empty the room of stuff. We have a lot of stuff.

I know you’re getting exhausted just reading it. I’m exhausted just TYPING it. Plus tomorrow I have to fit in some time to get my hair cut, a piano lesson, and I need some ME time dammit or else I’m just gonna cry like a little girl.

Charles has started an amusing new trick in which he wants to grab everything within reach and put it in his mouth. This includes toys, flatware, furniture, power tools, animals, basically anything that makes the mistake of getting where he can grab it. Particularly fingers. Did I mention he has developed a tooth? Ow. The little booger is ravenous for my blood, I think. I’ve taken to calling him Audrey II. Totally freaks out my relatives.

Categories: charles, music Tags:

November 2nd, 2006 No comments

I go through cell phones like Rosie O’Donnell goes through butter. I try and pick phones of good quality, but they just don’t last. I’m clumsy, and so they get dropped and banged into things and suddenly they don’t work so grood anymore.

My last phone was some kind of flip-phone with a camera in it. Totally awesome, and completely useless for about the last 6 months because I simply couldn’t be heard on it. The phone before that, I actually paid for the stupid coverage plan, which was nice because when it broke, twice, it was replaced each time.

As soon as I’m eligible for a new phone, I immediately buy one, so I’m on, I think, mobile phone #5. My wife is 2 years into #2, the first one having lasted, I believe, 6 years. Unbelievable.

Anyway, I bought me a Sanyo Katana, which is black and has a camera and eentarweb and omg it is so awesome. I then shelled out an additional $19.99 for Xingtones, which is software that you can use to record, edit, and upload your own ringtones to your phone. Yes: by this weekend I intend to have my phone sing “2 Legit 2 Quit” whenever my wife calls me.

Oh, and if you’ve called me in the last couple months, my phone hasn’t worked, which is why I haven’t answered. It works now! I’m ready to be friends again!

Categories: dear diary Tags:

November 1st, 2006 1 comment

I love our trash guys. They’ll haul away anything. If I were to die this instant, HW could haul my corpse to the curb and I’m pretty sure the trash guys would just throw me in the truck without a second thought.

That, my friends, is service.

Here is a list of the things that our trash guys have taken away:

  • Trashbags full of gravel and cat feces, every week
  • A large piece of unexplained concrete that I pulled out of my lawn
  • Large pieces of concrete that I pulled out of my old patio that have rusty pieces of metal sticking out of them
  • Two empty wood pallets
  • Approximately 400 pounds of construction sand
  • A freaking WASHING MACHINE

That last item I actually called the trash company to ask if I could arrange a special pickup. The lovely lady on the phone said, “Oh, just throw it out there, they’ll take it during the regular run.”

I love my mafia-owned trash company!


Oh, btw, if you’re having trouble getting to charleshearn.com, you aren’t alone. It’s misbehaving because the registrar can’t seem to get rid of the old nameservers. I don’t know why. I’m hoping it’ll clear up in a day or two.

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