matthearn.com

My popularity is without end, apparently. My comrade-in-arms Tim, husband of Jenny, last year’s Illustrious CostarTM, sent me an email the other day to alert me to my presence in the phonebook.

Of course I’m in the phone book, I replied. Most folks are listed in the whitepages, with the exception of people like my parents, who wish to remain unlisted and below the radar so the government doesn’t find out about their basement meth lab.

Did I say meth lab? I meant free puppy counseling center. That’s it.

Tim says, no dude, you need to check out page 8. So I checked out page 8. Here it is, in all its glory, along with page 9:

(You can click it and see it even bigger!)

It may be a little hard to tell, so here’s the detail:

(Again, click it for the SUPER closeup.)

Yesh, that’s me and Jenny. In the Verizon phonebook for New Castle County, Delaware.

Big ups to the Brandywiners for being brave enough to use a picture of my scary self as an advertisement. Whoof. (My face makes baby Jesus cry.)

Okay, here be the pictures and amusing captions from my trip to Dover International Jaunpiece on 6/4. Yeah, it took me 11 days to post them. THAT IS JUST HOW IT IS. EASE UP OFFS.

Oh, and thanks for stopping by.

Okay, if you can read this, I think the migration from omnis.com to sjtech.net went as planned. I’m still fixing a few issues here and there, but things went remarkably well considering I realized on 6/4 that my current hosting contract would be expiring on 6/9. Muchas gracias to Other Matt for his help setting me up.

Now I have to start getting pictures edited and uploaded, so expect to see them later this week. Hopefully today I can get most of the pictures from the Dover races edited, and ready to post tomorrow, and then by the end of the week I can put up the pictures from Craig and Mel’s wedding, at which there was much revelry, and at which I got to do a lengthy James Brown impression.

As it turns out, I am freakin’ sweet.

IMP0RTENT INFOMASHAN LOL WTF!!1!1!111!!

I’m migrating to a new hosting service since omnis is mildly irksome to me. I’ll have more room, and a bit more access to the system and thusly freedom to do def and rad things, as I am wont to do.

As a result, access to teh m@tthearn.com may be a bit spotty over the next few days. Sure, I could do this on the weekend, but as I’m sure you understand, that is just now how I roll.

This week I do plan to get some of the roughly 300+ pictures I took at the racetrack this weekend, including closeups of Tony Stewart in which he looks like the devil! Good times for allz.

Stay loose killers.

I’d just like to take this space to publicly thank my wife for not being very picky about the toilet seat. Partially this is because I leave the whole seat and cover down (I read that every time you flush an open toilet you’re spraying fecal matter into the air, and I keep my toothbrush a mere 4 feet from the bowl), but even when I was a little less Obsessive-Compulsive, she was pretty chill about the whole thing.

Which, from what I’ve seen, is not the norm. When I was in college I had a friend named Emily who was downright militant about the whole thing. She and her roommates left a little sign on the toilet, the exact verbiage of which I don’t quite recall, but the gist of which was that people who stand up to pee are evil, and if we don’t put the seat back down we can expect to be admonished. I was usually in full compliance, but once I forgot, and Emily nearly kicked me out of the house. She was screaming at me like I’d taken a dump in her shampoo bottle or peed in the soy milk or something. I was totally blown away. (This was clearly a larger issue for her and her roommates than things that I would have considered far more pressing, such as the fact that their bathtub never truly drained, so if you wished to shower, you had to stand ankle deep in murky water, portions of which were up to a week old. Just nasty.)

After that escapade, I got around the issue by just leaving the toilet seat down when I peed. I didn’t TRY to get any on the seat, but accidents do happen, you know.

Even my mother gets into the act a bit. She’s an extremely rational person, so she justifies her attitude on the matter in this way:

1. When women use the toilet, the seat will always be down.
2. When men use the toilet, half the time the seat will be down, and half the time the seat will be up.
3. Ergo, the toilet seat is down for 75% of all toilet-related functions.
4. Thusly, it makes more sense to just leave it down except in the 25% of uses, and then immediately it should be put back down.

I guess I can understand her reasoning, except for a few problems:

1. Everyone pees more frequently than they “drop the chalupa.” At least, most folks do, I think. If you poop every time you pee, you should see a doctor. Particularly if it’s some kind of thin gruel-ish substance.
2. By their own admission, girls do not poop at all.
3. I pee about twice as often as everyone else.

By my calculations, if I poop once a day, and a girl pees 4 times a day, and I pee 8-9 times a day (which is my norm), then the toilet seat has been down roughly half the times it’s been used. Just a thought.

However, all of this discussion is sadly just tapdancing around the true fact that I want to get across, which is this: any time a woman comes out of the bathroom, ranting and screaming about you always leaving the toilet seat up, it may sound like she’s saying this:

“Thanks for leaving the seat up again, you jerk! Why won’t you ever learn?”

But in reality, she is saying this:

“I am too stupid to remember to check and see if the seat is down before I plop my ass on the john!”

And the fact that my wife doesn’t do this indicates that she is one of the smart ones. Even if she can’t read.

Er, won’t read. Won’t. Not can’t. She can definitely read. I think.