Archive

Archive for February, 2005

February 28th, 2005 1 comment

Sorry to disappear for 3 days last week, but I’m sure you know by know that I am about neither quantity OR quality. Things were really hitting the proverbial fan at work last week, even considering the fact that I got out of work early on Thursday and worked from home on Friday. The bigwigs were having a monstrous meeting today for which they needed information, so we’ve spent roughly three weeks gathering it, and last week was a fire drill while we tied up loose ends (not that the hem isn’t still fraying just a bit).

ANYWEG. Here are the various updates in our lives:

  • My foot: still aches a bit, but functions reasonably normally for walking. I twinged it a bit at church yesterday, so I’m back to limping a bit today, but it’s not bad.
  • Cinderella: really coming along. Since school let out early last Thursday, I didn’t get to rehearse with the pit band, which was VERY annoying, but we’ve gotten through most everything at least once. I should be able to spend the next couple rehearsals fine tuning various jaunpiece. The chorus has known most of their parts for weeks now, since there ain’t much to learn. The soloists sound great too. Oughta be a hell of good show.
  • Annoying Item: the last few weeks we’d been planning to meet some friends on Saturday night to see Cabaret at the New Candlelight Dinner Theatre up in Arden. However due to some issues, we weren’t sure if we were going to be in town until the last minute, so we couldn’t order tickets until last week; we called, and they were sold out. We tried to pull some strings via friends of a friend, but to no avail. So we said oh well darn, and on Saturday made plans for dinner with Kyle (of Kyle’s New Girlfriend fame) and Kristy and some other friends. While we were enjoying dinner? Our friend calls. Two seats opened up.

    Dammit.

  • Inspired by Jeff Kay, we were hoping that we might rip out our carpeting and put in nice wood flooring, or, even better, find EXISTING hardwood floors underneath. So just now, after I got home from work (short day due to blizzard conditions), we handled some stuff, and I went into my bedroom closet with a pair of pliers.

    I am so happy I may have to do the Humpty Dance.

    Beautiful oak hardwood underneath our hideous carpeting. It won’t even need much work; it’s in gorgeous condition, probably won’t need sanding or anything, maybe a coat of polyurethane and some wax. We are so excited we can barely keep ourselves from peeing.

    Now, to figure out how to move the piano so I can get the carpet out from underneath it . . .

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 22nd, 2005 No comments

My problems with modern technology continue unabated.

I broke down and took the truck to the dealership on Monday morning. Of course, on the way, the check-engine light turned itself back OFF, as the truck did its best to make sure that by the time it rolled into the garage, nothing would actually be wrong. It almost made it, but they were able to deduce that the problem was a burned-up ignition coil, which they repaired, and for which I was charged $316.

I won’t go into the nagging feeling I have that Ford only makes their cars difficult to work on so that they can prop up their service industry. I’m just gonna say that I could have changed the spark plugs AND the ignition coil on my ’96 Saturn with a few hours of effort and a lot of cursing and probably saved myself $200. Then I’m going to move on to our washing machine, which currently looks like this:

It won’t agitate, for some reason. At first we thought it wasn’t spinning OR agitating, but I’ve been able to make it spin. That may, however, be because I tightened up the belt. It still won’t slosh the soapy water around like it should, even though some little doohickey (I think it might be part of the transmission) underneath is definitely twisting back and forth. I have a query in to some website that apparently is full of answers about these kinds of things, so we’ll see what they say. Of course, our home warranty, through which I could have gotten this repaired for something like $50, expired 2 months ago.

If I can’t figure it out any time soon, I’ll probably just buy a new one. The existing one may be older than I am, so it may be time. Oh well. Since I’m not being very funny today (it’s been a long couple of days, and things show no signs of letting up any time soon), I’m going to send you to a couple of amusing links:

Paris Hilton’s Phonebook. I’ll give you a dollar if you can get through to Lindsay Lohan and post what she says somewhere, preferably in my comments.

No, you can’t have a pony. I’m hoping to put this on business cards and hand them out to whiny people at work.

I’m sure you’re all familiar with the original Numa Numa Dance, which I’m proud to say I linked here a few days before it went all buckwildfire on the web and news media. Now, see the parodies. I’m particularly partial to Jiggling Mario, but they’re all good, from the gratuitous use of Bob Ross, to the trio of retarded, head-banging, nipple flashing teen boys, to the silly hats. Check ’em all out, and feel free to pee.

P.S. – Is that Roger Clemens with a lightsaber?

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 22nd, 2005 2 comments

Sorry for the late post today, and the rather high possibility of no post at all tomorrow. Things at work are pretty hectic, so I haven’t had a lot of time to do all the brain-storming and research that goes into each word I write. (For example, today’s post was written only after a staff of 14 people spent about 3 solid days apiece looking up Jack Parr’s middle name, only to be told that I didn’t need it after all. They all quit. My help never lasts long.)

Anyway, I’ve decided I should be on TV. I mean, honestly, how can I NOT be on TV at this point. I’m hilarious! Ask anybody! I haven’t entirely decided on a format, but I figure it’ll be a cross between a regular talk show, and “Chappelle’s Show.” Funny sketches involving making fun of African Americans when they get slave reparations, that kind of thing, but occasional interviews with Jon Stewart and Charo.

Here are some of my [brilliant] ideas so far:

  • Sidekick. I’d definitely have a totally awesome sidekick. Way better than Ed McMahon. What the hell was that, anyway? Did he have any redeeming qualities other than the ability to agree with everything Johnny said? I’d prefer a show where the chemistry of the players involved was better than that of the Bush administration, thanks.

    I’m thinking along the lines of Jon Stewart or my sister, Liz. Jon’s funny; Liz has a big rack. Jon might try to steal the show, and then I’d have to hide his body in the desert, so we can’t have that.

  • The best in comedy. What I will do, is hire away all the current SNL writers. Then, I will shoot them all in the face and hire people that are funny, like Al Franken. Liberal radio channel . . . har! That was hilarious.
  • I imagine I’ll have to have a live studio audience, which will be great ’cause I’ll just make sure they’re all drunk or stoned or both. I’ll get HUGE laughs for anything from farting to periodically showing pictures of what Bob Marley might have looked like at age 50 if he went bald. And if the crowd starts to turn on me, I have Liz flash a nipple. It’ll be great. So long as I personally don’t have actually see
    my sister’s nipple, ’cause that’s just NASTY. I definitely just threw up in
    my mouth.
  • Once a week, I will take a day off and let a monkey host an episode. That’ll be AWESOME.
  • Speaking of drinking, I’ll definitely make sure all the guests are loaded. Unless of course they are alcoholics. Then they get all the methamphetamines they can take.
  • Periodic dance breaks, a la Ellen DeGeneres, will be encouraged. Metal stripper poles will be provided for this purpose.
  • The guest list would be an absolute who’s-who of modern pop culture:
    • Lisa Lisa and Cult Jam (musical performance)
    • Ian Ziering
    • Pat Sajak (and Vanna, if she’s willing to dance on the pole)
    • Urkel

I can’t imagine some major media outlet isn’t falling all over itself to pick this idea up. C’mon, people! Me! Liz’s breast! Urkel! A MONKEY!

Anyway, there may be an update tomorrow, or it might not happen until Wednesday. WE SHALL SEE.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 18th, 2005 No comments

Oh, how I hate modern technology. Wait…hate? That might not be the right word. Perhaps it’s love. The two are so intertwined, and I’m of such a brilliantly paradoxical nature, it’s hard to tell. Anyway, today’s topic is modern technology, and why it is awesome and/or pisses me off.

Exhibit A: The XM Satellite Radio. I purchased one for Hearnwife for Christmas, got it all installed and actimavigated, and I am here to tell you it is so awesome that riding in HW’s car is a joy. (Before, it was rather painful; her car is very slow.) It has something like 150 channels, including weather and traffic for most major cities, three classical channels, three comedy channels, a bluegrass channel, a broadway channel, news, sports, and, most importantly, the “decades” channels. You get a channel each for every decade from the 40s to the 90s, so you can listen to Glenn Miller get his ‘bone on, and then immediately switch to the 80s station to catch “I Think We’re Alone Now” and “Funky Col’ Medina.” It goes without saying that this is pr0niffic.

Exhibit B: modern automobiles. My truck is running poorly, and the check engine light has come on, so I said to myself, “You know, I don’t think the spark plugs have ever been change on this thing. Might be time to do that.” So I stopped by Pep Boys and picked up 8 plugs.

This morning before work, I figured I’d spend an hour wrenching them out of there and then be done. So I gathered my tools, popped the hood, and started rooting around among the various cables and pipes and things, looking for plug wires. But they were not to be found. Anywhere. I crawled underneath the engine compartment, and still found nothing. Apparently I’ve been driving a diesel all these years and not known it.

So I went inside and sat at the computer, and did a little investigating. Apparently, instead of having one ignition coil that powers 8 spark plugs, each plug has its own coil. Which is inside what appear to be the valve covers. So replacing spark plugs, which on my old Saturn was a 10 minute job, becomes a 2-8 hour workstravaganza. This is not thrilling to me.

I threw all the stuff back in the garage, and then grabbed my laptop and my diagnostics code reader. I plugged all that stuff in to get the problem code that generated the “check engine” light, and sure enough, the system is detecting misfires on cylinder 2, which if I guess properly is the cylinder all the way at the front on the passenger side. One guy online had had a problem where something, probably a chunk of loosened carbon deposits, had gotten into the cylinder and bent the spark plug, so I’m hoping that’s my issue as well. This weekend, I get to pick up a Chilton or Haynes manual and try to figure out exactly how I get the spark plugs out, and probably have to buy a torque wrench to do so.

It occurred to me today, that having a vehicle that currently is not under any warranty, that I can’t do simple work on like change the spark plugs, is going to be costly down the road when, say, a fuel pump needs to be replaced and it turns out you have to completely disassemble the front half of the truck to get at it.

My plan “going forward” (ooh! Business office cliches! Life is good!) is that HW and I should always have one nice car, preferably leased and warranted, so that when it has problems requiring complete disassembly we can just take it to the dealer and have them fix it. HW can drive that car around, and I’ll buy a 1982 Toyota Corona or something equivalent to that so I can get to work, and that when it breaks, it’s simple enough that I can easily fix it, or just torch the car and spend $500 on another one.

I predict that within the next year, the truck will be traded in on a 2005 Camry, and I’ll be tooling around in a 1977 Caprice station wagon. And all will be gravy.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 17th, 2005 1 comment

Ooh, tough news. My aunt sent me one of those “answer all these mildly idiotic questions about yourself and send it on to everyone” emails. You know what that means: I answer all the questions on here and force you all to read them! (Seriously. Read this, or I will show up at your house with a German Shepherd and a tall Dane named “Svikaak.”) Also, there will be some study questions at the end that you’ll want to answer if you want to do well on next week’s test.

1. What was the last movie you saw in a theater?

Jackass, like 3 years ago. Hey, I don’t go to movies. I don’t see the point in paying $9 a ticket to go be deafened by drivel that’s going to be out in a year on HBO. (Movies are too loud. Also, you drive too fast, I can’t believe stamps no longer cost 22 cents, and what’s with all this long hair? Damn kids.)

2. What book are you reading now?

This unbelievably horrible novel entitled “The Golden U-boat.” I can’t even begin to describe how bad it is. I don’t have it in front of me, so I can’t quote the dialogue, but it couldn’t be more forced if the author was holding a gun to his characters’ heads. Made-up example:

“But Chief, you know as well as I do that the sonar won’t pick up a surface ship amongst this awful surface noise! Think ye not that we should head to The Great Depths of which our venerable underwater craft is capable and thereby increase the effectiveness of our listening devices? I daresay, the captain may be daft! BARKING daft, were you to ask my person.”

You may think I’m joking. Perhaps I will lend you this book. I can’t even figure out why I keep reading it; I’m roughly 60% through it, and the Nazis still haven’t tried to build their nuclear weapon. In year 1990. Yes, I know. Let’s just move on.

3. What is your favorite board game?

Oh, I dunno. I’m partial to Cranium, of course, but I always seem to win. That, my friends, is because I’m smarter than everybody else on the planet. It’s nothing personal, it’s just true.

Of course, I couldn’t beat a horse at chess. No patience, you see.

4. What is your favorite magazine?

Hm. I don’t really read a lot of magazines. I get “Men’s Journal,” although what I actually ordered was “Men’s Health,” and I should tell you that Men’s Journal is a pretty crappy magazine. There’s usually one decent article about something, and then 80 pages of advertisements for adventure vacations, expensive diving watches, and interviews with professional ski instructors. As if I give a crap what Bodhi LeMange says about life paralleling a ski slope.

Short answer: Modern Drunkard.

5. What are your favorite smells?

Oh, this could go a number of different ways. I mean, you could go gross (along the lines of “Smell my finger!”), super gross (“Now guess where my finger’s BEEN!”), and relatively tame (“saffron”).

I’m going with: bacon. Because bacon is mankind’s greatest discovery after adultery.

(Haha! Just kidding! Adultery is TOTALLY bad.)

6. What are your favorite foods?

Was it once an animal? Then there’s a pretty good chance it is one of my favorite foods. I haven’t yet met fauna I won’t grub up ons. Specific faves include pig and cow.

7. What is the worst feeling in the world?

It’s a toss-up between getting kicked in the nuts, and getting your scrotum caught in a table-saw.

(And all the guys just threw up in their mouths. Hey, that’s what I’m here for, folks.)

9. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?

“Dammit, why do I keep dreaming about Brad Pitt and Menudo having an orgy at Hunter S. Thompson’s house? 2 weeks in a row now! What the hell!”

10. What is your favorite fast food place?

I’d have to go Wendy’s on this one. Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers, 99 cents. I usually get between 5 and 8 and peel the buns off and go Atkins BUCK WILD on themses. Totally balicious.

11. What names have you picked for future children?

I haven’t quite convinced Hearnwife of this year, but I’m fairly certain my first-born is going to be named “The Right Reverend.” Regardless of gender. Plus, you can abbreviate it a bit, and “The Rt. Rev’d Hearn” just looks so awesome on paper. And it’s not like anybody in my family is likely to earn a bishopric.

I’m also partial to the name “Levert.”

12. Finish this statement: “If I had a lot of money, I would . . .”

Quit my job and spend a lot more time on the toilet.

Then I would spread the wealth around a little bit to some worth charities, and then I’d go to England to see if the toilets there are as awesome as I remember.

13. Do you drive fast?

Depends on my mood, and whom you might ask. Honestly, unless I’m stressed, I don’t go more than 10mph above the limit. However, I tend to frighten passengers because I don’t put up with things like people driving slow in the left lane without getting about 15 inches from their bumper and flashing my lights.

14. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal?

Four, if you count obese cats.

15. What’s your opinion of storms: cool or scary?

Pretty much cool. I’d much rather have a totally righteous thunderstorm than just boring old rain. I dislike rain, but if I have to have it, make it entertaining. I mean, is it too much to ask for some fun lightning to strike the neighbor down the street with the damn dogs? That would be so awesome.

16. What was your first car?

A 1972 Pontiac Grand Ville. I believe it to be the largest production car ever built. It was AWESOME. I miss it. I didn’t appreciate it at the time. Now I’m getting verklempt.

17. What’s your favorite drink?

I’m partial to both orange soda and scotch, though not mixed together, as that would be nasty.

I’ll also admit a certain affinity for pureed bat guano.

18. Finish this statement: “If I had more time, I would . . .”

Probably get more sleep. This 8 hours a night thing just isn’t working out, really. It’s only 10am, and I’m already ready for a nap.

19. Do you eat the stems on broccoli?

Of course. I’ll eat anything that I can dip in mayonnaise.

20. If you could dye your hair any color, what would be your choice?

That’s sort of an absurd question. I can dye my hair any color. I just buy the dye, and get to coloring. That’s silly.

(Blond.)

21. Name all of the different cities or towns where you have lived:

  • Media, PA: I don’t remember it, but my parents assure me I lived there, in an apartment in which they may or may not have had to throw a couch from the balcony because it was on fire. During the Super Bowl. I dunno.
  • Wilmington, DE: A long, long time, potapatie, potapahoney. This is where my formative years were spent, which explains why I’m so boring.
  • Baltimore, MD: Ah, what a great two years. What with the cutting class, hanging around liquor stores, occasionally going to court with my buddy Mike when he had to testify to put some poor slob in jail for assaulting him . . . definitely the most productive years of my life.
  • Newark, DE: I was in college, so therefore I remember little of these years.
  • New Castle, DE: I’ve been here about a year so far, and all I can tell you is that we’re happy to find out that the woman in our neighborhood that was stabbed to death in her home wasn’t a random victim.

22. Glass – half empty or half full?

Half full. Probably with booze.

23. Favorite sport to watch?

Curling, and let me tell you it is a travesty that it is only on during the Winter Olympics! 2006 can’t get here soon enough for me, I tell you.

24. One nice thing about the person who sent this to you:

She has had her picture taken with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

25. What is under your bed?

A skittish grey cat and a gimp suit.

26. Toilet paper: over or under?

I believe I’ve talked about this before; people that put toilet paper on such that it is dispensed from the bottom of the roll should be harvested for organs.

27. Morning person, or night owl?

More night owl, really. I hate waking up. But then, I also hate falling asleep. I wish I only needed like 2 hours of sleep a day. Paradoxically, SLEEP IS AWESOME.

28. Eggs over easy, or sunny side up?

Oh man, now I’m totally hungry. Over easy is my style, since sunny side up is just silly. You get one side that’s over cooked and hard, and one side that’s runny and gross. It’s like eating a burnt booger.

29. Favorite place to relax?

In front of a TV in a comfortable chair. Mmm…chair.

30. Favorite pie?

Now my stomach is really starting to hurt. I’m partial to blueberry and Shoo Fly. Mmmm….pie. Man, I’m hungry. I better go get some afore I implode. I shall rap at all y’alls later.

STUDY QUESTIONS:

1) Matt totally made up the Scandinavian sounding name “Svikaak.” Is it not totally awesome?

2) How many of his responses are completely untrue? How many are just semi-true? Are there any in which you can tell he’s just yanking your chain to get a giggle? Does this make him a depressing loser?

3) If you were 17, and were driving a car the size of an industrial park, would you get any dates? Do you think Matt did?

4) Does having recurring dreams about Brad Pitt and Menudo getting on make Matt homosexual? Or just “a lil fruity?”

5) Is it silly for Matt to make fun of popular culture when he hasn’t even been to a movie theater for over 3 years? Is it silly for you to complain about the business of government if you didn’t even vote? Does George Bush strike you as someone who you would never, EVER, EVEREVEREVER buy a car from? Does John Kerry strike you as someone who couldn’t sell Cheetos to a stoner? Is it about 3 months too late to be making these kinds of jokes?

6) The name of Matt and Sarah’s gray cat is “J.D.” Matt insists she’s named after Jefferson Davis because she has a “grey coat.” Others think she’s named after Jack Daniels. Is Matt a big drunk liar?

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 16th, 2005 No comments

This article irritated me, just for the headline:

Petty, Not Earnhardt, Is the Real King of Daytona

Petty Won Seven Daytona 500s, Six More Than Earnhardt

Whoa. Somebody sounds bitter. I’m an Earnhardt fan, and I don’t remember ever saying he was the King of anything. (Anything except my heart.) Having a headline like this is like saying, “Gretzky, Not Lemieux, Is The King of Hockey – Gretzky Won 4 Stanley Cups, 2 More Than Lemieux.” It’s like, um….DUUUUUUHHHHHHH.

Just wanted to get that out. On to more pressing issues.

  • As of 12:24pm, the NHL Players Union and the NHL owners haven’t come to a collective bargaining agreement. Oh wait, I forgot, no one cares. Nevermind.
  • Googlism still doesn’t know anything about me, so let me add one possible tidbit of knowledge, as requested by my friend Lauren:

    Matt Hearn is a totally cool guy.

    And dat’s de troof.

  • The foodstravaganza that HW arranged on Sunday continues. Every day I’ve been bringing absotively massive amounts of food to work, and then around lunchtime I remember one or two other things I could be eating as well. Today I have an egg salad sandwich, a container of chicken salad, some cheese, leftover meat and veggies from a trip to Lone Star last night, and two sodas. Even so, I realized around 10:30 that I could also be grubbing on some balicious soup. And I forgot to bring it. Foolish, foolish me.
  • I should probably give you all an in-depth review of XM Satellite radio, which I got for HW for Xmas, and which may have changed our lives. I may do that tomorrow or Friday. For now, I just want to make it clear that thanks to the all 80s station, the following lyrics have been heard by us twice in the last month, which is 2 more times than I think I’ve heard them in the 15 years prior:

    I ain’t much on Casanova
    Me and Romeo ain’t never been friends
    Can’t you see how much I really love you
    Gonna sing it to you time and time again

    Bless you, Levert.

  • As you can tell, I’m short on witticisms today. I had some ideas last night for some HILARIOUS stuff, but of course didn’t have a chance to write anything down, so it’s all gone. Long, long gone. ::sigh:: I’ll try not to suck tomorrow.

    Casanova . . .

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 15th, 2005 No comments

For years now, friends of mine have been telling me “Dude, Hearn, you totally have to see ‘The Big Lebowski,’ dude, it’s totally YOU.”

So on Sunday, after church but BEFORE my audition, Hearnwife and I rented it via the technological marvel that is “Comcast OnDemand” and gave it a watch. Here is what I have to report:

Um…snore. Literally, in the case of HW; she lasted about 45 minutes before looking over at me with that “Why did you just waste $2.99, you cretin?” look that she does so well. She was out like a light for the remainder of the film.

I managed to stay awake through it, although I frequently picked up some kind of women’s-wear catalog that happened to be in reach, because the movie was just that boring most of the time. I get the feeling that my friends thought I would identify with the main character, “The Dude,” but the only similarities I could see between him and me were:

  1. We both like beer.
  2. We both occasionally demonstrate a large vocabulary.
  3. Sam Elliott appears intermittently in both our lives, sharing interesting anecdotes while sipping sarsaparilla.

That’s it! And personally, I’m rather saddened that my friends might think I share any of The Dude’s other characteristics:

  1. Lazier than a deadbeat dad.
  2. Has the sense of style of a blind hillbilly.
  3. Curses like a sailor with Tourette’s. (And I freely admit, I drop F-bombs like a Senator drops his pants, but holy cow. This man knows no boundary.)
  4. Drinks White Russians. C’mon. White Russians? C’mon.

One characteristic I wouldn’t mind sharing is the part where he did get to nail Julianne Moore, unless of course she smiles, because girlfriend is HELL of gummy. Plus her fake English accent sounds about as authentic as my fake Swahili accent.

Anyway, the plot of movie was reasonably interesting, although it could have been done in a one hour episode of NYPD Blue and left me with an hour to watch something that didn’t suck. And it included a plot “twist” at the end that was not exactly surprising.

There were a few bright moments; every time Steve Buscemi said something, I usually giggled. And the crazy German guys who cut off their girlfriend’s toe to try and get a million bucks in ransom money, they usually amused me. And any time Sam Elliott appears on my TV I am freakin’ RIVETED. But by and large? “The Big Lebowski” gets a big thumbs down.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 14th, 2005 1 comment

Ah, Valentines day. The day in which I have to come with a card and a reasonably quality present for HW, else I’ll come home and she’ll present me with a thick card that folds out to reveal a 12th century triptych icon on thin cardboard, complete with gold leaf inlay halos. Once I finish reading that, she’ll hand me my “bag of presents,” which will consist of 6-12 individually wrapped presents, including various consumer electronics and a small leather pouch of silver doubloons. And lo, nothing will be said, but HW will have that look, that look that says “I spent roughly 3 weeks salary on this present, and you got me a monkey card and a thong that reads ‘Insert Love Potion Here’ on the front?”

And there will be guilt.

So I better go to the store on the way home and get her something nice to go with the monkey card.

Anyway, various weekend updates, with Norm MacDonald:

  • The ankle is getting better. Still hurts, but the brace is helping (once I got the right size; turns out I have a large foot, not a small one. Who’d’ve thunk it?), and I’ve cut way back on my intake of acetaminophen (read: I’ve stopped snorting it). Sunday night I had an audition (more on this shortly), and was able to get through the dance portion without serious pain or re-injury. I don’t even limp as much, unless I’m going for sympathy or free drinks.
  • Sunday evening I auditioned for the part of “Freddie Eynsford-Hill” in the Wilmington Drama League’s production of “My Fair Lady.” I think I did well; we auditioned in the lobby, so my primary vocal characteristic (extreme volume) was amplified a great deal. I sang a number from “Cinderella,” and the director seemed greatly enthused. I did a short reading, as well, and didn’t bollix it up too badly. I think I at least earned myself a callback, which (if they have them) will happen Thursday. I’ll let you know what goes down.
  • While I was at auditions yesterday, HW, who was SUPPOSED to be studying (she’s taking some class involving special education), procrastinated by making vast amounts of food. She roasted a chicken and used it to make chicken salad and chicken soup; she made tuna salad (yuck); she made egg salad; and who knows what all else. I was thrilled beyond the ability to speak English, and set about gorging myself on everything I could find, particularly the soup, which was like no other chicken soup devised by man, beast, or divine figure. It had spinach, green beans, mushrooms, and a few other things, and was really, really grood. I plan to eat a lot of it tonight while Sarah’s at class. I love food so much.
  • I may have to start actually spending more time writing. I’ve got a lot of random story ideas leaping into my brain for no discernible reason. Some of them are pretty crappy, like the one I came up with the other day wherein it turns out that reincarnation is reality, and we just move from life to life throughout time in really interesting ways, except that one guy starts to remember all his previous lives, and then maybe he starts to see his lives in the future, and then maybe somebody gets shot. I dunno. Some of them, I think, aren’t bad, like the one I’m mulling over where some dorky guy like me overcomes his fear of conflict when his daughter gets raped and spends 2 years plotting how to kill the rapist and not get caught. Not to mention the lengthy novel I’m thinking about involving a married guy that realizes he’s gay. I better start putting stuff on virtual paper before I forget it all.

    I’ve also been working my musical muse (hee) and doing a little arranging and composing; I wrote an accompaniment to “Ol’ Man River” that’s very trite and amateur, but hey, it’s a freakin’ start. Particularly since I can’t play the piano. I still work intermittently on a Magnificat and Nunc Dimittis setting that inevitably frustrates me ’cause I suck, but perhaps I’ll get somewhere on that soon.

  • Mmmm…chicken salad.
  • VASTLY IMPORTANT SOFTBALL UPDATE!!!!!!!!! That I should probably have put atop the page! But I’m an idiot!

    Anyway, the check and form have been sent. Assuming they don’t already have too many teams, the Prancibald Duckshirts will hopefully be registered to play soon. SO. We need to make sure we have enough players, ’cause I didn’t just cough up a $395 fee for us to back out early (which might cost additional penalties). If you live anywhere in driving distance of New Castle County and wouldn’t mind giving up some Friday nights this summer to play extremely low-competition softball with a bunch of idiots who may or may not be drunk the entire time, let me know! The more people we get, the cheaper it is for everybody. It’ll be more fun than watching donkeys screw, I promise.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 11th, 2005 No comments

So much for daily postings huh? Argh. The mind, the body, and the spirit were weak, not to mention every time I tried to type something up, something came up. Wednesday, I started a column and had to leave the office to go manhandle servers around all afternoon, followed by an evening of having burnt palm-fronds rubbed onto my forehead to indicate to all I might meet that I believe in a twenty-century-old legend about a guy who told us to love sinners and got stapled to a whipping post for it. Thursday, I started a column early in the day amid frequent requests for my attention, and then had to skedaddle home to make sure Hearnwife didn’t throw up a lung. (She’s much better today, thank you.)

Today will be different. I still have plenty to do, and I’m not entirely sure I’m going to get to it all, but I’m determined, dammit, to get something posted on my webpage, so that my readers (both of them) don’t wither and die from lack of subtle humorousness. Plus, I finally got some information about the first thing, which is:

Come to the Absalom Jones Concert at the Cathedral next Friday, February 18th, at 8pm. Tickets are $15, and I expect the show to be awesometasticalicious. What you will see: the Cathedral Choir, getting its jam on with some classical stuff, and some gospelly favorites. Dawn Padmore, choir alumnus and touring professional, singing whatever it is that touring professionals sing. Soloists from the choir (including yours truly), singing some nifty solos. It’s well worth the $15, so come one come all!

I’ve been trying to post something about that for 2 days. FINALLY. Sheesh.

Also, Speedweeks is upon us! The drivers, crews, and groupies have hit Daytona for 11 days of practice, qualifying, racing, and surreptitious nookie in the team hauler. I couldn’t be more thrilled if Michael Jackson himself appeared at my door in Full Zombie Mode and grabbed his crotch at me.

The racejoyment begins Saturday night with the Bud Shootout, aka the Bud Clash, or whatever it is they’re calling it this year. I predict high speeds, a truly brilliant wreck that takes out half of the field, and for the winner to thank Budweiser for their support and for all the cases of pee-flavored alcoholic beverages they’ll be delivering to his mobile home. Sunday afternoon, pole qualifying, which to the untrained eye is deathly boring, but which to the trained eye makes me fall asleep.

Then things die down a bit until Thursday, when the Gatorade Duel 125s are run to determine the starting positions for the Daytona 500. Friday night there’s a truck race (which you’ll miss, seeing as you’ll be at the Absalom Jones Concert watching me sing Old Man River), Saturday the Busch Grand National Race, and then on Sunday the DAYTONA 500 sponsored by Some Rich Corporation (SRC)!

Somewhere in there, there’s also an “International Race of Champions,” or “IROC,” race, but that has lost relevance since it’s lame.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

February 8th, 2005 No comments

What the hell, weatherman? It’s freakin’ February, and the temperature keeps getting up into the 50s? Yesterday afternoon at the grocery store I had to keep hobbling down to the frozen foods aisle and stick my torso and head in a freezer to ensure that I didn’t succumb. (If you find my hat frozen to a box of Tostitos frozen pizza rolls, let me know and I’ll swing by and pick it up.)

Yesterday, my truck reported an afternoon temperature of 56, and today’s high is supposed to be 50! On Thursday we are told to expect snow and snow showers, but with minimal accumulation, and a high of nearly 40. What is going on? Is it global warming? SHOULD I HAVE BEEN VOTING DEMOCRAT ALL THESE YEARS?

God, I hope not.

To horrifically and drastically change the subject, I would just like to issue a thank you to the inventor of the roasting bag, and also to the fellow that realized that you could couple a roasting bag with a small packet of spices and make a killing. So far I have sampled a couple of the pork spice/roasting bag combos, and last night went with a pot roast version, to go along with the three-pound hunk of chuck roast I purchased. You just throw the meat in the bag, mix the spices with a little water, pour it atop the meat, massage it a little bit, and throw it in a 350 degree oven for about 90 minutes.

I tell you, friends and loved ones, you have not truly enjoyed life until you’ve pulled out of the oven a 13×9 baking dish containing a bag containing a hunk of beef and roughly 2 cups of bubbling brown spicy juices. I almost wet my pants. Moist, full of hellaflava, all around good times. I served it with broccoli, which was surprisingly none the worse-for-wear despite having served as a cooling apparatus for my injured food.

I just ate the rest of it for lunch today. So awesome, even microwaved. I am so happy right now I might weep.

So awesome.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags: