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Okay, my bad, it’s been like 3 days since I was done with all the busy crap that’s kept me away from you. But now I’m back – to let you know: I can really shake ’em down.

Anyway, the show went great (I have some pictures of it that I’ll try and get up this week), and the performances on Sunday went really really well. Despite feeling a little dry and allergenic, I managed to get through a Fauré Requiem, and then an entire Bach St. John Passion (I played Pilate and sang the last bass aria). Then I found a bottle of single malt scotch.

The next few weeks should be a breeze compared to the last month (in March, except for the road trip, I basically worked 16 hour days every day of the week), even with Easter coming up. I suppose I should look at the schedule and find out what all I have to do Easter weekend, but I don’t think I have anything more than a good Friday service, and an Easter morning service. I might have to do Maundy Thursday, but I’m not sure.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten the “Matt’s Life Update (Not That You Care)” portion of the column out of the way, I’d like to discuss why my pee smells. I can’t figure it out. I assume it must have SOMETHING to do with the fact that I ate asparagus last night, but I’ve eaten asparagus in the past and haven’t had this happen. Perhaps coupled with the Atkins diet (I’ve been doing pretty well, I think I’m down to about 240), asparagus enzymes in my whizz just really reek. For a while I thought I was just smelling remnants of hair colorant and conditioner, but I’m not sure. It definitely gets stronger in the bathroom (and lingers on me, much to the endless joy of my coworkers).

Hair colorant? Yes, I dyed my hair. And without Sarah’s help! Which is why it doesn’t look quite like I’d hoped, although it’s not bad. It’s a little more “golden” than “blond,” unfortunately, and it’s not really “highlights” like I wanted. It’s still highly rad, though. I’m so pretty. It’s like being Goldilocks, except without the curls, and my job lost me my girlish laughter eons ago.

Next time: why Charles Atkins is my real dad. Or would be, if I didn’t already have a real dad. And if Dr. Atkins wasn’t, ya know, dead.

Here they are! The pictures from our Atlanta trip are up, hot, and ready to be examined and commented upon by all humanity. Check it out . . . check it out, I’m incredible, check it out . . .

I guess I should apologize for disappearing off the face of the earth for almost 2 weeks, but the Brandywine High School production of South Pacific is all kinds of geared up and ready to go. Opening night is Thursday, March 25th, at 7pm. Be there, and probably be square! Starting next week I should be able to get back to weekly (or more often) updates.

Wednesday is Zoo day! We went to the Atlanta Zoo and had us a righteous time antagonizing the animals, at least until the elephant picked me up with her trunk and flung me into the tiger den. They were able to reattach my foot, and they say I’ll eventually get 50-60% use of it again, although I got an infection and they had to amputate my left buttock.

Hobbes stretches out for a nap; awakes to feast on the flesh of his human masters

We saw many critters, and took pictures of same, including some truly sweet ones of the pandas (I got a pic of the female from about 6″ away, it’s totally hot); I’m adding them to the total “Road Trip Gallery” that I plan to put up when I get back next week.

After that, around 1pm, we headed north. We got about an hour north when I saw the signs: Iron Skillet . . . 20 oz. T-bone . . . 9.99. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So we stopped. Here’s the down-low: if you are ever in the mood for a steak, you need to drive to Carnesville, GA, to the Petro truckstop there, and get the 9.99 20oz t-bone, dude. It was the best steak I’ve had in months, and that includes multiple trips to Lone Star, who wouldn’t know a decent cut of meat if leapt onto their face while they were sleeping. Tender…juicy…so delicious. I’m nearly weeping.

Then we continued north, stopping at the outlet mall in Gaffney, where my frustrations at being able to find pants had steam coming out off my ass. (Although that also might have been the 20 oz. t-bone reacting badly with my colon, as sometimes happens.) Sarah found a few things, and we went into the Levi’s store thinking they’ve GOTTA have a pair of jeans that fit me!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Their jeans went up to 38×34, and 40×32. No 40×34 to be found, at least in the 505 section, which is the style I like. I did see a decent jean jacket (they’re back in style…who knew!), but it was $50, and I just couldn’t justify it. And then….Haggar.

Oh, Haggar…how do I love thee? Let me count the ways: 1, 2, 3 . . . $108.64 ways, to be exact. For that fairly minimal amount of cash, I got a polo shirt, 2 pairs of flat-front khakis, and a totally money sport coat. I was almost giggling with joy at finding clothes that fit. I haven’t felt like that since I was in prison in Hungary a few years back! (There was this girl, and a llama…nevermind.)

We got to Charlotte and found a hotel, went to a bar and had crablegs, and passed out around midnight. (Luckily Milo’s not with us, since there was a girl at the bar that he would have simply clubbed over the head with a barstool and dragged out by her hair.) Plan for Thursday: hit up Kannapolis for a Dale Earnhardt memorial, go to JR and buy brassieres and chandeliers (remind me to tell you later), get into Richmond sometime in the early evening, and commence drinking heavily with Kyrone and Kritdy. Update tomorrow!

What an amusing day. We’re still in Atlanta, of course; we got up around 9, showered, rolled out. We went to Underground Atlanta, a sort of underground mall kind of place with some shops and small exhibits and restaurants. Ate at Mick’s. Food was good, service was decent, prices were okay, entire staff was black. I’m not saying there’s anything WRONG with that, but it was kinda strange to see a place that was ENTIRELY staffed by African-Americans. It was affirmative action gone amuck! Somehow it kinda turned me on.

HW with her true love. He’s HUGE.

After that, we went through “World of Coca Cola,” or “Coke World,” or “House of Overpriced Marketing Gimmicks,” or something like that. $7 to be subjected to 90 minutes of “Drink Coke! It’s delicious AND refreshing! And heals the hiv! And it took this boil right off my ass!” I rather enjoyed the video of “Coke Commercials Over the Years,” including the “I’d Like to Buy the World a Coke” commercial, and the “77% Less Cocaine!” marketing campaign from the early 30s. But I fail to understand how they can charge money to see all that mess, even with the free samples at the end, and still expect to get into heaven after they die. Of course, this didn’t stop us from buying a Coke shot-glass and bottle opener, and taking hot pictures of Hearnwife with the massive Coke Polar Bear. We’re such suckers for capitalism.

After that, we headed back to Danielle and John’s apartment, sat around, and then went to Mellow Mushroom for dinner. Delicious pizza, although I had a “Lo-carb Cheese-Steak” (no bun). Those of you who bother to click that link will probably notice the odd similarity to Homestar Runner; I’m pretty sure the same group of guys does each website. I always wondered how they paid the bills.

Right now, we’re hanging around, drinking beer, watching Danielle get highly retarded. Good times. Tomorrow: Atlanta Zoo, drive back up towards Charlotte. BTW: I’m taking pictures all over the place, and intend to gather them together into a loverly photo essay in which I will make fun of Southerners.

I’m hell of in Hotlanta! Except that it’s not hot. It’s like 54 degrees. Admittedly, that’s about 20 degrees better than at home, but when I come to a place with a nickname including the word “Hot” I expect to have my piss boiling within my bladder. Instead, if I were to step outside in the nude (which happens more than you’d dare hope), my wank would immediately retreat into my torso, NEVER TO RETURN.

Anyway, the drive was nice. We stopped off in Durham (home of the Durham “Sellout” Bulls) for the night, and took the opportunity to drink some Heinekins and enjoy a breakfast buffet. We did one before bed, and one after. I’ll leave it to you to decide which was when.

We’ll be here for a couple days, and then we’ll be driving back north, stopping off at another hotel on the way home, possibly a battlefield or Dale Earnhardt memorial or three. We’ll hit up Kyle and Kris in Richmond for a day or two, and then “Jodd” (Jodi and Todd) in DC, and then home.

Now you know our itinerary! If anything is missing from my house, I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU.

Okay, sorry. I haven’t been here for you. I’ve been, uh, busy. I know, that’s a poor excuse. You need the fix only I can provide. Well, I’m here to make it all better, baby. Just lay back, and let The Hearn take you higher than you’ve ever been before. The Hearn will rock you like it ain’t no thang.

Uh…let’s pretend that paragraph didn’t happen.

Here’s the short list of what’s been going on over at Hearndom:

• “South Pacific” – Spring musical over at Brandywine High School. Once again, Sarah’s doing choreography, I’m doing vocal direction. As an added twist, this year I’m conducting the pit band! We’ll see how that goes, since my conducting experience consists mostly of air drumming to Pat Boone albums. Side note: I tried to get them to do “Hair,” but the idea of a bunch of 14-18 year olds running around on stage naked set of some kind of “prude” alarms in the Powers-That-Be. So much for freedom, huh?
• St. John Passion – Long oratorio-type thing by J.S. Bach. Getting performed the day after “South Pacific” closes. Rehearsals every Monday. I just remembered I have to learn a solo.
• Work getting hectic. We’ve basically reached the point at work where everybody’s working 50+ hours a week, just putting out fires. We’re completely event driven at this point. I’ll let whole projects sit and fester for weeks because I’m working 9-10 hour days just responding to people calling me and asking about something they need. If they lay anybody else off the whole place will simply collapse. I’m raving again.

Between all that and the usual stuff (church choir, etc.), I’m out of the house 11-12 hours every day of the week, including weekends. But you don’t wanna read my whining. You wanna read some funny stuff!

I just have a few comments about the Oscars, nothing major. It was nice to see so many people show up in costume; Liv Tyler came as Lisa Loeb, and Charlize Theron came in the makeup she wore in “Monster.” It was pretty neat to see that, since the odds of me ever, EVER sitting down to watch a movie about a lesbian serial killer are similar to the odds of Rick Springfield answering my love letters.

Uh…forget I said that, too.

The guy that won the Animated Short Film award brought along Pixanne! It was nice to see her. I always thought she was dead.

I’d like to point out that Alison Krauss had TWO songs nominated for Oscars, and one of them involved Sting. Usually, doing a movie song with Sting is an absolute Oscar-lock, but somehow she managed to lose. I’m willing to ignore the fact that the Academy could pass over Sting (maybe they were drunk), but to give an award to Annie Lennox??? Sting even played a Hurdy Gurdy! What the hell, man! How can you turn him down?

Okay, last thing: a fellow named Kevin Brofsky wrote a play about Claymont, Delaware. This intrigues me, particularly since it involves a young gay man in the late 60s. I didn’t know that Delaware HAD gay folks in the 60s. And I didn’t think Claymont had any NOW. Anyway, the play appeared in NY for about a month and then closed. Anybody that actually SAW it, shoot me an email at spam |at| matthearn.com and let me know what it was like, and how it compares to “Wicked,” which apparently is the “in” Broadway show right now, despite not being about AIDS or vaginas.