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I hate computers so #$*&ing much. I mean, I despise them. My entire life revolves around them, so when they misbehave, I get really mad, like when I lose 45 minutes to an hour of work because Blogger saves via the internet, so even frequent saving doesn’t help. I just wrote a nice long column […]

I had a whole column planned about the Democratic primaries, but I decided to scrap it. Two reasons:

It was unfunny. Like, depressingly unfunny. If you read this column, and then read something funny, they would cancel each other out, and you’d go through the entire afternoon feeling horribly unfulfilled. I’d never forgive myself for […]

Today’s post is in the style of The West Virginia Surf Report, which is funny.

I cannot begin to express my glee at seeing they’ve made a Starsky & Hutch movie. I have to admit, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one episode of Starsky & Hutch, but I was born in 1978…the 70s style […]

I need a camera phone. Not because like taking pictures of things and sharing them with my friends on a regular basis. I need one right now so I can take a picture of my hair and show you why I want to shave it off.

Matt’s hair does notlook like this today

In order […]

Holy Special Needs, Batman! Another multi-topic day! Many of you are probably saying, “Well, that’s great and all, but why don’t you just write one column on each topic and therefore have more columns per week? Dumbass.” In reply, permit me to quote the Great Emancipator, Abraham Lincoln: “Shut up.”

On to the first […]

It’s a two-topic day! Well, 3. Er, 2 1/2. The last two topics are sort of intertwined, so . . . let’s start over.

It’s a multiple-topic day! There, that’s better. Topic one: The Weather Gods suck. 3 to 6 inches my portly pink posterior. Those of you not stuck in Delaware are probably […]

Sorry, no column today, but I wanted to draw your attention to something I’ve been working on, off and on, for about 6 months: Kyle’s New Girlfriend. Of course, you’d think that something I’ve been working on for that long would be really funny, but you’d be WRONG! Okay, it’s still pretty damn funny. Anyway, […]

I have a few complaints about modern music. Nothing major. I don’t think it’s anything that can’t be fixed, with a little effort by the music industry.

For example, is there some rule in modern hip hop that you are permitted to only write one song per album that doesn’t mention “Dolce & Gabbana?” […]

The phrase “New Year’s Eve” can bring to mind many different things, depending on your age. Children may only know it as “that night that we went to bed at 8pm, as usual, and woke up at 1 am when Daddy crashed the car into the garage door and Mommy threw up in the pachysandra.” […]

Happy New Year!

Okay, enough of that. I need help. I know I promised I’d relate the sordid details of the New Year’s Eve festivities (no goats were involved that I can remember), but I’ll have to do that later. Right now I need someone with experience in dream analysis to tell me what […]