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I haven’t been sick in almost a year (I attribute this to clean livin’ and sweatin’ to the Oldies, and also making sure I get my weekly ration of medicinal alcohol), but then I get a little sleep-deprived and BOOM I’ve come down with a cold almost instantly. It suuuuuuuuucks. Josephine’s sick too, which has […]

We Be Po’

Holy crap, my wife and I own two homes.

We settled on our new place yesterday (and will be moving next Saturday; want to come lift heavy crap with us?), so now we’re broke AND have two mortgages. I guess I better get a third job.

At any rate, if you notice that things have […]


Richard over at Honest Hypocrite is pissed, and with pretty good reason: About the time when we seem to be getting Linus calmed, a manager (the unfriendly one) comes over and tells us in the most officious manner possible that some of the other patrons have been threatening to leave because of our crying baby, […]

Shot an apple off his head

In Lancaster, California, Honda decided it would be fun to carve grooves in a road such that when you drive over them, the vibration of your suspension plays a song. They decided, for unknown reasons, to use the William Tell Overture, by Giaochino “Joey Chinos” Rossini. In case you haven’t watched the Lone Ranger recently, […]

Slow, painful, angry death

Since I reach a significant Age next week, I had to go to the DMV and renew my license. My car is also going to require renewal in two months, so I figured, hell, they’ll let me do it now, why not kill two birds with one stone! Particularly when those birds are massive, slavering […]

(Nose) Burning Questions

Can someone explain to me why you’re not allowed to smoke anywhere but a specially constructed, hermetically sealed, underground iron box, but it’s perfectly legal for people to drench themselves in cheap perfume and go out in public?

I went to church yesterday; I didn’t have to sing, so for the first time in […]

Things have been insane this week, so I haven’t had time to comment on the fact that, um, I’m old now. So I’ll do that now. The big 3-0. Three Zero. MattHearnIsFreakingOld.com. Some of you who are already in your mid-30s are saying, “Old? OLD? Screw you, you youngling!” To which I respond: let me […]

Let’s chat about humor for a moment. I’d just like to take the time to address a big problem in the world, and that is that a surprising number of people have a misconfigured sense of humor. Oh sure, some things are universally funny:

Fart jokes Actual farts Reference to the sex lives of the […]

Thank SSCBJ for sick days, or personal days, or mental health days, or whatever it was I used yesterday to get out of most of my workday so I could get some bloody sleep. Bejeebers, I was exhausted.

Since Sarah’s doing the Brandywiners show this year, PLUS taking a class in a subject I […]

Yay! DelDOT (The Delaware Department O’ Transportation) is finally going to do something about the hellish I-95 traffic!

Wait…crap. They’re doing the wrong bloody thing! Boo!

Everybody agrees that traffic on I-95, particularly southbound in the afternoons, is ridiculous; apparently the bone of contention is what the actual cause is. DelDOT seems to […]