matthearn.com

I dreamt about Rachel Maddow last night. Believe me, there was absolutely no sexual content, what with her dislike of wangs and the fact that I find her sisterly. She’s so cute! I just want to carry her around in a basket like Toto.

In the dream, she had made herself some kind of poster to have in the background during her show, except that the poster consisted of white cardboard letters pasted onto white posterboard. It did not occur to me at the time, but in retrospect I think that might be difficult to read, right?

Then we went into her office, which was large but very undecorated; white walls, tile floor, big picture windows. It kinda looked like a big dorm room, but with a desk in the middle with nothing on it. She revealed that during the summer, when (in the dreamverse) under normal circumstances the show would go on hiatus while she spent the summer on Fire Island, she would be permitted to appear on Sunday, Monday, and Thursday evenings doing her usual thing. We celebrated, and then Charles poked me in the eyeball and yelled “Wake up!”

Oddly, in the dream Rachel was very small, to fit in with my “cute” and “pockety” assessment of her; in real life she is apparently nearly six feet tall. I bet she plays a hell of a third base on a softball team.

When did I get so old? I mean, I’ve completed 3 decades and embarked on my fourth this year, and as a result my body is splitting apart at the seams. I remain surprised, on a daily basis, to wake up and discover that I still have most of my limbs.

Charles has a little red firetruck that he rides around in, which he operates with his feet, Flintstones-style. Unfortunately it doesn’t work over the broken, grassy ground of our backyard, so he insists upon being pushed around. 40-pound child plus 15-pound plastic firetruck plus Hearn hunched over trying to push it equals major back spasms, which eventually translated themselves into this weird pain in my leg; it felt rather like a nervy muscle cramp, so I attributed it to my low-carb, conspicuously low-potassium and low-calcium diet. It went away after a few days.

Last week I pushed him around again, and instead of the back pain step, pain started immediately in my leg. It was like the worst Restless Leg Syndrome of all times, and oddly enough, the pain was hard to localize. It was sort of in my butt, sort of in my leg, but there was nothing I could do to either exacerbate or alleviate it. Whatever it was, it kept me up all night. I got maybe 3 hours of sleep, filled with freakish dreams involving midgets, ponies, and them tap-dancing all over my leg.

The pain continued, in various guises, all week. Extra-strength Tylenol did nothing. Stretching did nothing. So finally over the weekend I asked a doctor friend of mine, and he said it’s probably sciatica.

Sciatica? What the hell is next? Gout? Senility? Priapism?

Turns out that apparently, if you sit on your wallet for long enough, it’ll pinch off a nerve in your bootyus largeus, which results in semi-permanent pinching. A few inflammatories, some walking, and switching my wallet to the other side will hopefully resolve the issue.

Otherwise I have to get ass-replacement surgery.

Let’s bring the mood back up a tad, what say? My homey Sarah B sent me a nifty email quiz, and it’s been a while since I’ve done one. The theme of this one is that you only get one word to answer each question. This makes it hard to bring the funny, but I invite my readers (both of you) to comment with your guesses as to my meanings.

1. Where is your cell phone? Hands
2. Your significant other? HW
3. Your hair? Lustrous
4. Your mother? Responsible
5. Your father? Quirky
6. Your favorite thing? Bacon
7. Your dream last night? Digits
8. Your favorite drink? Beer
9. Your dream/goal? Novel
10. The room you’re in? Cubicle
11. Your fear? Bankruptcy
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Retired
13. Where were you last night? Rehearsal
14. What you’re not? Slender
15. Muffins? Blueberry
16. One of your wish list items? Knife
17. Where you grew up? Wilmington
18. The last thing you did? Amazon
19. What are you wearing? Casual
20. Your TV? Small
21. Your pet? Cats
22. Your computer? MacBook
23. Your life? Eventful
24. Your mood? Apprehensive
25. Missing someone? JD
26. Your car? Elderly
27. Something you’re not wearing? Thong
28. Favorite Store? Target
29. Your summer? Busy
30. Your favorite color? Blue
31. When is the last time you laughed? Meeting
32. Last time you cried? Tuesday
33. Who will/would re-post this? Brian
34. FOUR PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER: Work, Home, Church, In-Laws’
35. FOUR PEOPLE WHO E-MAIL ME: Brian, Liz, Dad, Sarah
36. FOUR OF MY FAVORITE FOODS: Cow, Chicken, Pig, Fish
37. FOUR PLACES I WOULD RATHER BE RIGHT NOW: Home, Beach, Woods, Restaurant
38. FOUR PEOPLE I THINK WILL RESPOND: Brian, Doob, Liz, Michael
39. FOUR PEOPLE I HOPE RESPOND: McCain, Obama, Palin, Biden

For the last response, I suspended my use of proper titles to make it fit the rules. ‘Cause when you break the rules, THE RULES BREAK YOU.

It’s been so long since somebody emailed me one of those pointless quiz forwards that I had completely forgotten how AWESOME they are. Awesome in that they give me the means of producing a “hilarious” new post in a matter of minutes because I don’t have to come up with an amusing topic. Heck YES! I got this one courtesy of my sister, whose responses were even funnier than mine, but I shan’t be reprinting them ’cause that wouldn’t be original. Also she’d kill me, ’cause it mentions the time she sharted on her halloween costume.

Completely Useless Facts About Me

• Do you sleep with your closet doors open or closed?
  Open, because the pile of clothing and shoes in there prevents the door from closing.
• Do you take the shampoos and conditioner bottles from hotels?
  Of course. What do you think “complimentary” means? It’s a miracle I don’t steal the remote and the Gideon Bible.
• Have you ever stolen a street sign before?
  One, that I remember; we tried to get a number in high school but were foiled by rusted bolts. I think we stole a stop sign from a school once. Don’t ask about political campaign signs; I think the BHS band single-handedly altered the 1994 New Castle County elections.
• Are you eating anything right now?
  Drinkin’ me a diet grape soda; thinking about maybe a beer and some dried fruit. (Update: I had a sausage sandwich as well.)
• Who do you think reads these?
  Both of my readers, hopefully!
• Do you have a calendar in your room?
  Bedroom? Nope. In my office I have a couple, to mark paydays, holidays, duty days, etc.
• Where are you?
  My criznib! It’s mad pimped!
• What’s your plan for the day?
  Seeing as it’s now 4:32pm on a Friday, my plan consists of finishing up some work, finishing this, cracking open a frosty brew, watching some baseball, maybe ordering some food. I know: exciting.
• Are you reading any books right now?
  I just finished Far From The Madding Crowd by Thomas Hardy; now I’m working on Immediate Fiction by Jerry Cleaver and Damn! Why Didn’t I Write That? by Marc McCutcheon.
• Is it cold out?
  Moderately chilly, if you’re a wuss. (I’m a wuss.)
• Do you ever count your steps when you walk?
  Only on staircases. Most of the time I’m avoiding cracks. I’m OCD about the stupidest thing. Why couldn’t I be OCD about, say, cleanliness? No, not me. I have to fear sidewalk cracks and toothpaste.
• Have you ever peed in the woods?
  Hell, I’ve peed in bushes in my backyard during dinner parties.
• Do you ever dance even if there’s no music playing?
  If my wife needs me to give her choreography ideas. (They’re always AWESOME, and usually inspired by something in a Justin Timberlake video.)
• Do you chew your pens and pencils?
  I don’t write by hand much. Also, I had a number of bad experiences with leaking pens in high school, so I’ve learned my lesson there.
• How many people have you slept with this week?
  Let’s treat this question literally and say one. My main old lady.
• Favorite place to buy make-up?
  Joker’s Wild. They have a nice selection of stage items that I use to make myself look pretty when I “act.”

• What is your “Song of the week”?
  Heavens, I dunno. Let’s check iTunes for my most recent addition. Oh right: “Falling Slowly” by Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova. It won an Oscar! Yay Irish people!
• Is it okay for guys to wear pink?
  I am, even as we speak. It makes me look pretty, like the little girl Daddy always wanted me to be.
• Do you still watch cartoons?
  Sure. Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, yaoi, etc. (Note: don’t Google yaoi. Just…don’t.)
• Whats your favorite love movie?
  Grosse Point Blank. Does that count? People fall in love. Other people get shot! It’s great!
• Where would you bury hidden treasure if you had some?
  In a S&P500 Index fund. Earn 8% on that shiznit, yeah.
• What do you drink with dinner?
  It depends on the meal. If it’s good gourmet stuff, wine. If it’s meat-and-potatoes, probably beer. If it’s a sammich and chips, probably a diet soda. I don’t really drink water because it makes my teeth hurt. (Yeah, I have no idea. My body is bizarre.)
• What do you dip Chicken Nuggets in?
  Honey, if available. Everything else goes into mayonnaise.
• What is your favorite food/cuisine?
  That’s like asking someone to pick a favorite breast. They’re all pretty awesome. I’ll eat just about everything. (Food, not breasts. I am legally obligated to avoid all breasts but those owned by my significant other.)
• What movies could you watch over and over and still love?
  Grosse Point Blank. People get shot! It’s great!
• Last person you hugged/kissed?
  Either my wife, or a Thai hooker, I can’t remember. So much of my life is a blur.
• Were you ever a boy/girl scout?
  I was a Cub Scout for like a year, until I realized they were never going to let me hunt and kill my own bear.
• Would you ever strip or pose nude in a magazine?
  Sure. I don’t really have shame when it comes to my body; most everybody know has seen me nekkid at one point or another. Whether or not anybody wants to see me nude is a different matter. (The prevailing opinion is, uh, no.)
• When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper?
  Golly. Probably the late 80s. I had a penpal for like a month until I realized she was never going to let me hunt and kill my own bear.
• Can you change the oil on a car?
  Yup. Haven’t done it in a while though because I like to make sure the cars get all the safety and other checks that they do, so I don’t have my brakes fail at 70mph with my son asleep in the back.
• Ever gotten a speeding ticket?
  A bunch, but I’ve been lucky enough to space them carefully so I don’t lose my license.
• Run out of gas?
  Back in high school I had a 1972 Pontiac Grand Ville that got something like 4 miles per gallon. I would fill it up on Monday (took over 20 gallons, plus a quart of fake lead additive, for a total cost of like $22) and drive it maybe 80 miles during the week, mostly to school and back, and the gas would be gone. It was ridiculous. Anyway, one time I was driving around with my boy Josh, hoping we could make it home to borrow money from my mom before we hit bottom, and the thing died. Josh’s mom was kind enough to bring us a gallon to get it going. Later on I was trying to make it home from a rehearsal, in the rain, and same thing happened; I had to walk, in the rain, to my friend Andrea’s house, so she could drive me home. I still miss that car. I occasionally dream about it.
• Favorite kind of sandwich?
  Probably a turkey club. That shiznit is so good. Bacon and mayonnaise should have been two of the ancient elements.
• Best thing to eat for breakfast?
  Bacon and anything. Pancakes, eggs, waffles, all fantastic, but bacon is a must.
• What is your usual bedtime?
  It floats a bit, but usually somewhere around 11. If there’s a particularly good Family Guy on we’ll stay up until 11:30, or at least I will; Sarah inevitably falls asleep.
• Are you lazy?
  I’ll get back to you.
• When you were a kid, what did you dress up as for Halloween?
  The best costume I ever had was in first grade, aka 1984, when I dressed up as DangerMouse. Mom was so awesome to whip that puppy up for me.
• How many languages do you know?
  I guess it depends on how you define the word “know.” I studied German and Russian in high school, but remember little of each.
• Do you have any magazine subscriptions?
  Bon Appetit, I think. I never get around to reading it, though.
• Which are better, legos or lincoln logs?
  Construx.

• Are you stubborn?
  Not as much as I should be. I’m pretty easy-going, really, which means I tend to try to make everybody happy. I fear confrontation.
• Ever watch soap operas?
  My wife is a big Days of our Lives fan. It’s often on in the background.
• Afraid of heights?
  Yes and no. I’m not scared of bridges or planes or anything, but climbing trees and ladders makes me nervous. I can usually fight through it by not looking down. Also by drinking a 12-pack of Dogfish Head.
• Sing in the car?
  Heck yes. I am the John Mayer of car singers.
• Dance in the shower?
  Heck no. That’s a good way to slip, blow out a knee, and knock out 4 teeth on the edge of the tub. I’m clumsy.
• Dance in the car?
  I am a past master of the car dance, but I tend to do it only for the amusement of my passengers. I’m more of a car drummer; my Saab’s steering wheel is surprisingly resonant.
• Ever used a gun?
  A surprising variety for such a liberal-minded soul. I have a bunch of airguns that haven’t seen the light of day since we moved into a neighborhood where using a real-looking pistol in the backyard would have the neighbors calling the cops, and I like to go to Targetmaster and rent pistols and ammo whenever I can, which isn’t very often. (It’s kinda expensive.) Went hunting once in Texas and shot me a deer, which I then ate part of. It was pretty rad.
• Do you think musicals are cheesy?
  It depends on the musical, but the genre is mostly about being over the top. I mean, it’s a little farfetched for someone about to go into a murder spree to pause and sing a 7 minute ballad about it, but it’s a common feature of musical theater. Doesn’t make it any less awesome, of course.
• Is Christmas stressful?
  Yeah, I get pretty busy with musical endeavors, plus of course all the shopping and cooking and eating of cookies.
• Ever eat a pierogi?
  Yeah, but I forget where.
• Do you believe in ghosts?
  Hard to say. I’ve never seen one, that I know of, but I hope there’s SOMETHING after we die. If it consists of walking the earth sneaking into ladies’ bathrooms, that’s not ideal, but it’s better than some of the alternatives.
• Ever have a deja-vu feeling?
  All the time, when they change something in the Matrix.
• Take a vitamin daily?
  No, but I should. The only thing I can count on eating daily is bacon.
• Wear slippers?
  I have a couple pairs, but they’re not really my thing. I don’t see the point in wearing a shoe I can’t wear outside without ruining them. I’d rather be barefoot or in socks, just like most of the time I’d rather be buck naked, wandering the house letting my genitals enjoy the air.
• Wal-Mart, Target or K-Mart?
  Target, dude. It’s mad pimp. I shop at Walmart occasionally because there’s one like a half-mile from me, but I always end up wanting to throw the other shoppers into a display of off-brand pasta. How hard is it to control your eleven children? And how hard is it to NOT park your cart sideways in the aisle so nobody can get by? Morons.
• Ever kissed someone of the same sex?
  My son, on many occasions.
• Can you curl your tongue?
  Yep. Comes in handy when I . . . nevermind.
• Own any record albums?
  Not in my home. There’s a couple left at my parents’ house, I think, including a pretty well-worn copy of “Merry, Merry Christmas” by the New Kids On The Block.
• Hot tea or cold tea?
  Cold tea, unsweetened, with just a soupçon of bat guano.

• Are you patient?
  Not in the least.

The graphic atop this here page sure is grim, ain’t it? It’s been up since winter, and I intend to put something more spring/summery up ons, but sadly my time at home with the computer has been SEVERELY curtailed by the fact that my wife is working on some kind of paper, and hasn’t let the laptop out of her grasp for 3 weeks. (I suppose it’s also possible that she’s developed a life-altering addiction to Teh Pr0n, but I don’t think so.)

It’s kinda sad, really, ’cause I have like 8 tons of totally hott photos I took with my camera over the last few months, featuring flowers and trees and geese and whatnot, that would be hella rad up there, but sadly I have not been able to edit and upload and make the necessary template modifications. Which is sad, really. Totally sad.

What is also sad is that, despite not having posted in roughly 9 days, I don’t have much interesting to say. I thought I did; I had in fact written four or five paragraphs of something that I thought was totally AWESOME when it was rattling around in my head, which of course turned into absolute pap when neatly typed into El Computador. So, I beg your forgiveness. I’ll give you a hint: it described my boy Kyle as “the fastest human being I personally know.” So, you know, HILARIOUS stuff there.

The weekend was pretty busy; I helped my dad move a piano to my sister’s house AND some of my grandmother’s stuff OUT of hers before she moves to Florida, and managed to do it without exploding my spine. We saw “Chicago” at the New Candlelight Dinner Theatre (it’s New!), which was outstanding. We went to a birthday party for our friend John, who is Old (not New!). Sarah went to the beach for a fun overnight with friends, and Charles and I joined her on Sunday morning because I was singing an evensong in Lewes that afternoon; it was windy and cold and I about froze my nads off. BOO TO THAT. We did get Nicobolis, though. Can’t beat ’em!

I’ve been keeping up with my jogging, although I haven’t been SUPER good about it; I try and get out three times a week, but sometimes it’s just one or two. I’ve basically been eating everything in sight, justifying this by saying “Hey, I’m jogging like ALL THE TIME!” As a result, I’m getting fatter and fatter, so now I’m back to my “eating nothing but vegetables and small amounts of meat with no sugar” diet, along with drinking buttloads of water. Great times! Not really.

Wow, I’m sure typing up the hilarity today. I’ll try and do better later in the week, really I will.

Oh hi! Long time no see, and all that noise. Once again, I have come through my semi-official March no-blogging-allowed time unscathed. In case you’ve missed things and need to catch up, the high school show that Sarah and I rock out on happens in March every year, so basically I disappear off the face of the internetz for the duration of the really hectic part. Which is now over. So I am at your service, once again.

Not that you asked, but the show went really well, almost surprisingly well, considering we started out short on time and THEN lost rehearsals to snow days, such that the pit band had only gotten together twice before tech week. Woo! Also, we waited until the last possible second to find a pianist, and through the blessings of Sweet Sainted Baby Jesus we were able to get the inimitable Steve Weatherman, who singlehandedly saved the show at least thrice. Wooooooo Steve.

Adding to the miracles was the fact that pretty much every single person involved with the show caught the Rotavirus during tech week. In case you are unfamiliar with how Rotavirus works, here’s a snapshot of the symptoms: first, you spray liquids from all of your major holes, and then you sleep. Then you wake up and spray some more, and then feel achy for a few days. This is not conducive to dancing and singing, but everybody pulled through, with the help of a lucky snowstorm Friday that postponed that evening’s show. Oddly enough, I was almost completely unaffected, aside from a queasy feeling all weekend and being unbelievably achy on Saturday. Somehow, we survived.

Now, of course, everyone’s asking me “Hey, now you have all this free time! What are you going to do?” Well, duh: all the of the crap that’s piled up for the last 6 weeks. It’s amazing Charles has gotten bathed and fed, with how little time I’ve had. It’s amazing I’ve been bathed and fed, although to be honest, I do smell a little like fish. I haven’t eaten fish in weeks. I’m wondering if there’s a flounder trapped in a fat roll on my back. (It happens sometimes when I go swimming in the ocean, too.)

Anyway, my plans for the next while involve cleaning my house, playing with my son, napping, and watching baseball. Yay, baseball! BTW: Phillies preview coming up in the near future.

In honor of Valentine’s Day, which was like 26 days ago so this is TOTALLY CURRENT AND UP TO DATE AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME DIFFERENT, here are a short list of various reasons why I love my wife:

• When we took a road trip to the Outer Banks last fall, I made a mix CD of various recent tunes that I liked, which included some Alison Krauss, John Mayer, and that new Avril Lavigne song, “Keep Holding On,” which is in 3/4 and therefore I like it. (I have a thing for that meter.) After listening to the first few tunes, HW turned to me and said,

  “Were you on your period when you made this?”

• Yesterday, we were in the kitchen feeding Charles and making lunch, and she walked by me and bumped her hip into mine. I said,

  “Did you just do what I think you did?”

  Sarah giggled. “Yep.”

  “All trying to give me the hip bump?”

  “I farted.”

• She takes so much in stride:

  Me: I just pulled a chunk of wax out of my ear the size of a lady bug.
  Her: Eww dude
  Me: Jeepers, what the hell. I thought I cleaned this ear the other day. I’m getting even MORE wax out.
  Me: What the [very bad word]! I think a bee tried to build a hive in here.
  Her: EWW
  Me: I’ve scooped out 3 big chunks with my pencil, and I think there’s more.
  Her: Oh, weird.The date on my watch is messed up.

So, in short: Sarah is rad.

On the news front, the show is chugging along; we open Thursday, with three rehearsals between now and then to get things right. Woo! I’m terrified, but I always am at this point.

Just a few short notes for today:

• They still haven’t plowed my neighborhood, and so now the ice has sublimated and refrozen and is perfectly slick. I basically sledded out to the main highway today. Note that the 1998 Mazda Protege is NOT equipped with runners. I’d make some calls, but you know me, I don’t like to create a fuss. Plus I have a sneaking suspicion the guy in our neighborhood who is in charge of such things has probably taken 37 calls on the subject and might strangle me through the phone if I call him up and employ Sarcasm. So I’m gonna let it slide. For now. Unless I’m driving home with my son and I slide into a parked car at 5mph.
• My homeskillets Ped and Andy have started themselves a blog in which they intend to ridicule all things artsy. I fully support this, and not just because I’ve known the two of them for like 8,000 years.

  In fact, it’s an odd story, woven through the millenia: I knew Ped when I was like 8 or something, in public school. I think we ran across each other in Math League every year all through middle school and high school. Andrew I knew because we were in band in high school, but he also may have done dorky science and math stuff with me before then. And then we were all in the Ychromes together in college. Delaware is a small place.

  Anyway, check out their site, it’s highly amusing.

• I’m setting myself up for a serious amount of abuse here, but on the advice of my attorney Josh, I have invested in a neti pot. The idea, and this is really gross, is that you make a saline solution, and then you pour it into one nostril while it drains out of the other one. Then you switch nostrils. It’s very new age. It cleans out your sinuses, and then you get to spend a few minutes spraying water out of your snozz and spitting out nasty wet loogies.

  It’s almost as fun as it sounds, but I can report that my sinuses are so clear it’s disturbing. I’ve used it twice a day for about 3 days (although not this morning, ’cause I was in a hurry, yo) and have achieved major awesome results. There are downsides, however:

  1. The sensation of water pouring into your sinuses and back out the other nostril is pretty disturbing. It goes against all my principles of “avoiding sinus burn in the pool.” Doesn’t burn a bit, though, unless you’re an idiot and double the amount of salt in the solution.
  2. Sometimes the saline gets sort of trapped in your sinuses, and you can’t really feel it in there, then later on, you bend over for some reason, such as to kiss your wife, and salt water pours out of your nose all over, say, your wife’s face. Her response to this may be unpleasant.

  Still, it’s given me a reasonably clear schnozz for the last few days, and I’m looking forward to finding out if it improves my singing noticeably.

Okay, so uh, what’s in the news? Apparently that girl Anna Nicole Smith died, but I joked about that yesterday. (Was it too soon? The response I got from the interwebs was cold, to say the least.) There’s some banshee crazy astronaut ho that drove from Texas to Florida in DIAPERS to kidnap and likely kill her romantic rival. Apparently she wore diapers so she wouldn’t have to make unnecessary stops, but here’s the thing:

Distance she drove: about 950 miles.

Distance most cars can go before they need to stop for refueling: 350 miles.

So she had to stop AT least twice to get gas; would it be that out of the question to maybe take 5 minutes to whiz while the gas is pumping? Here’s the lesson I have learned: women are crazy.

What else? The weather has been making up for lost time; it hasn’t been above freezing, as far as I can tell, in like 6 days. I can’t say I’m sad about it, since I enjoy me some cold weather, but I’d like to have a good dose of 8″ of snow to go along with it and make it impossible for me to drive to work. They say we’re supposed to get snow on Tuesday, we’ll see how it goes.

I’m low-carbing it again, but it doesn’t appear to be working as well this time, probably because I’m screwing it up. It’s not my fault! People keep making me pies! I need to get on my bike some more and see if that helps force the old belly into “ketosis,” which apparently is what they call it when your body starts burning your fat for energy. I fully support the burning of fat; I am, at last check, roughly 85% fat myself. Maybe self-immolation is the answer…I’ll look into it.

Speaking of death-wishes, Charles has been crawling for a few weeks now, and has developed quite an interest in flinging himself down the steps into the foyer. So far I’ve caught him before he does so, but we need gates; a friend of ours is going to lend us some, but I’ve yet to go pick them up, so I guess I’d better do that. You know, before my son lands nose-first on cold, unforgiving ceramic tile.

As you can probably tell, I really don’t have anything of any interest to share with you, so I’ll just point you to Vinegar Man-Douche and let you have your own fun.

I’m sick. My whole head feels like this word: nxxnfzzznzfnznxzcvxz. It is Not Pleasant. Still, when people send me silly internet surveys, I feel required to respond online, even when I’m taking high-powered drugs that are making everything have smoke trails when I move my head. Also I can’t spel so gud.

1. FIRST NAME: Matt.
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? If I recall correctly, my mother was born on the Feast of Saint Matthew. Patron saint of bankers! Wooo.
3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? I get a little choked up watching “Aqua Teen Hunger Force” sometimes.
4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Ha! Ha ha! No. Here is an example of my handwriting:
   
   Roughly translated, that reads “It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few virtues. – Abraham Lincoln” Or something. Don’t ask me. I’m high on DayQuil^TM.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH EAT? Lunch Eat? Who wrote this, Tarzan? Assuming it meant “Lunch Meat,” I’m gonna go with turkey. Assuming it meant literally “what do you like to eat for lunch,” well, anything really. Same things I like to eat for dinner and breakfast and evening snack; I’ll eat anything at pretty much any hour of the day.
6. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? Yes, Charles. He is rad.
7. If YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably. I don’t return calls, but I like to buy booze for people.
8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Sort of; this is about it.
9. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Unless my wife removed them in one of her late-night-while-I’m-asleep carving sessions, yes.
10. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Sure, if the bungees were sufficiently strong.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Depends on how tired I am. Usually not, unless I can’t get them off any other way.
12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? Physically, yes. Mentally, no. Emotionally…let’s not talk about it, I might get choked up. I hate you.
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. With chocolate syrup.
14. SHOE SIZE? 12EE. If I can’t find the super wide stuff I’ve been known to buy up to a 14.
15. RED OR PINK? Red, methinks.
16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My complete and utter lack of self-discipline, willpower, and work ethic.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? I’ve been blessed in that I really haven’t lost anybody yet. All of my close blood relatives are still around, with the exception of my sister Amelia, who I really only knew for about a year when I was 5. For better or worse, I don’t really remember her.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? I don’t usually send these out via email, although I fully support people cutting and pasting the questions into their own blogs and posting links in the comments here so I can go comment THEIR responses with great ridicule and ass-ness.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES YOU ARE WEARING? Khaki and brown.
20. WHAT IS THE LAST THING YOU ATE? A MASSIVE chef’s salad from the cafeteria here at work. Seriously, it was the heaviest salad ever. It’s sitting in my stomach like a fat man on a hooker’s chest.
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Other people’s high-volume phone conversations and the tippity-tappity of my own fingers.
22. FAVORITE SMELL? Roast beast.
23. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED WITH ON THE PHONE? Bill Owen, oddly enough.
24. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU MEET? Physical appearance. What can I say? I am the shallowest person you will ever meet.
25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Yes. (‘Twas my brother-in-law.)
26. FAVORITE DRINK? Non-alcoholic: Diet Sunkist. Alcoholic: yes.
27. HAIR COLOR? Dirty blond, with totally soxy highlights.
28. EYE COLOR? Blue.
29. YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope. Me gots grood vision! Which I am currently probably destroying by staring at computer screens all day from a distance of a few feet.
30. FAVORITE FOOD: Whatever happens to be within the immense gravity of the black hole that is my gaping maw.
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? Happy endings. Heh. (That’s funny ’cause it’s a sexual euphemism, like the “Donkey Punch” or “Doenitz’s Meniscus.”)
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? We watched “Waiting for Guffman” at the beach a few weeks ago…I don’t think I’ve watched anything since. I did catch part of “Guys and Dolls” yesterday and taped the rest for later perusal.
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? Blue sweater.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER? Hm. That’s a toughie. I like chilly weather, but I have to put up with HW complaining about being cold. I’m gonna go with winter anyway.
35. HUGS OR KISSES? I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days.
36. FAVORITE DESSERT? I don’t like stuff that’s cloyingly sweet; fruit pies are a fave, and simple cookies. Also, whipped cream licked off the skin of a stewardess.
37. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND THE QUICKEST? Not sure. Rachel, maybe; she’s new enough to the web that things like this might still have some appeal.
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I’m gonna say one of the Aboriginal guys that lives somewhere out in Western Australia and has no idea what a computer is.
39. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? I need some new ones. Right now I’m recycling a book on alternate histories, and leafing through an old collection of Dave Barry columns here at work.
40. WHAT’S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? To my left: some kind of hemispheric grid thing on a pad shaped like a human head from “Medilect Intelligent Decision Support.” No idea where I got it. To my right (I have two compies at my desk), a Dilbert mouse pad.
41. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Things frying.
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Beatles, for a couple tracks, then I’m going to put on something that’s less Important and more Pleasant.
43. THE FURTHEST YOU’VE BEEN FROM HOME? I’m not sure if Austria or Norway is technically further. Austria is a bit east, but Norway is a good bit further north.
44. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT? I can play the nose harp just like I’m ringing a bell.
45. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Upper Darby, PA, 01/21/1978.
46. FAVORITE TV SHOW? Who knows? You people know I am remarkably fickle. Scrubs, House, Doctor Who…apparently I like doctors.

That is all there is. Go back to your life, loser!